Sincerely, Freebie
by HalliwellMB
Summary: AU. Dark fic. What happens when a 17-years-old is out of control and nobody can do anything about it? They think Phoebe is a lost cause and a problem that should be handled by trusted professionals, or something like that. Could it be worse for her? Always.
1. Prologue: warning

**Ok. I know I sad I have no time and I'm very busy these days, and it's true! And I also know I said my next fanfic will be Paige centric...and it will, but I'm really busy and I just wanted to publish/upload something, and since I have this fic in a folder since 2 or 3 months ago (and it's almost finished) I decided to publish, just to feel I'm writing...**

**Thank you all for the support. ****I hope you like this fic (it is 100% dark, you're forewarned)**

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_**WARNING:**_

_Here I'll write how and why did I get here, and what happened until the last day in this place._

_If you are going to read this, I need to tell you that if you're sensitive or something, you should close this notebook and go to pick something else to read, like Romeo and Juliet, Harry Potter or Bambi._

_Why am I giving you this advice? Easy: you won't find any light in this memories and events, nothing but darkness...you will not find love, you will not find nothing but broken hearts and sore souls. You'll know how and what is the reality here, you will read mention of words like "**drugs, alcohol, hate, lesbianism, selfinjury, death, fear, pain, nighmares, abortion, money, rape, sex...**"; but I think you won't see any details of those simple words...except **drugs, sex **and a lover that its only reason to have a relationship with me, is to help me and him to don't get crazy...or more than we already are..._

_You'll see through my eyes._

_This is sickness, this is pain...this is a mistake; this is the story of what should never had happened...how a rebel but good (or that's what I thought I was) girl, got involved in a hell and infernal chaos in wich didn't belong...until she belonged._

_You, little stalker, who's reading what you shouldn't since privacity exist, don't keep reading if you think this is going to make you throw up...I don't think it will, by the way, but you never know when you're going to find an obsesive religious guy or a naïve person who reads sex and freaks out. If you think you can handle a seventeen years old being trapped in a mental institution just because, just because nobody believed her when she said things weren't the way they seemed, keep reading...under your own risk. And please, don't tell my sisters or grandmother this diary exist...I don't want they to know how much I'm missing them and how much I'm suffering._

_Sincerily, Freebe._


	2. Good bye old world

**Ooops! I'm an idiot and deleted the chap 2 instead of delete the document (I know, idiot). So, chap 2 up (again).**

** I hope you like this chapter, I really do. **

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**Chatper one, part I: Good bye old world.**

"Great" I sighed, as soon as I put a foot in the entry after that my benevolent grandmother, the dictatorship of Prue, Holy Piper and the self-righteous attempt to be like me of Paige, had been returned to the car and gone back to their stupid lives trying to make me believe that "this" is best for me.

"Good afternoon Phoebe".

A woman greeted me with a cynical smile, exaggerated outlined eyes and a red lipstick that didn't look good on her, but I think she insisted to painting like that to mock the best of the unfortunate souls who were imprisoned there against our, healthy or unhealthy, wills.

I said nothing, crossed my arms and swung my small backpack, looking at anywehere except to that crazy woman...yes, she was the real crazy, not me, I have no idea what was a person like Phoebe Halliwell doing in rehab...or well, I could have a little clue of why I was here or, actually, why I was locked up here, despite my clear attitude of "I dont want to go" althought I never refused or did a scandal out loud...I thought -and still thinking- they will regret their decision soon and come back for me...or that was what I wanted to believe.

_**"**__Phoebe" Said the grim voice of my grandmother, Penny, who was peeping in my room waiting for my arrival._

_I don't think she had been a long time there, because she knew that I never appeared before three in the morning, and for a twist of fate -specifically by the police raid at the club where I was partying- the party was over at about, four o'clock._

_"What " I asked, trying to don't pass out because of my obvious state of intoxication that I tried to hide, as every time I was drunk ... which happened often, every Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the week, although sometimes I had the luxury to do whatever I felt like it during the week also, and mess up in school and skip classes._

_My grandmother looked at me with a serious face, cold and expressionless, but deep down I knew she was shattered ... as much as me ... she had given everything for me and my three sisters after my mother died when I was three and my father left the house before I could reach four... and we both knew that that was the main an common problem at home: the reason why my grandmother had to be a mother again, when it should be resting and playing with us when we come to visit. It is the reason why Piper focuses on her studies and doesn't like going out with boys, for fear of hurting her or leave her ... is the reason that Prue is a person so extremely repressed, responsible and so demanding, even to herself ... is the reason why I feel that no-good, since neither my father loves me ... and is the reason that Paige feels so different to others kids, having been raised by her grandmother and also be our half-sister ..._

_I looked at her with an air of superiority and pretend that none of us knew we really love eachother and wanted to live happily ever after like in fairytales. I closed the window which I had just come to my room ... way out that Paige had learned from me ...she was the reason of why I was drunk, after a big scandal a few hours ago._

"Follow me, please" Asked the same nasty lady, taking me out of my thoughts and painful memories, leaving me with a bitter taste in the mouth at the thought of my younger sister.

They all had struggled to separate us as much as possible when she turned fifteen and began to imitate my rebel ways to live: they all went against me for giving this kind of example to the girl who vomited in the bathroom of the house at two o'clock after escaped without permission, but anyone noticed that I felt it more than anyone.

That night, I went to her bed and talked to Paige. I asked her not trying to be like me ... I didn't want her to be as unhappy as I was, of course I didn't say it that way so pitiful, but I have to assume, in a cruel and hurtful way: then everything got worse from that day forward, because, Paige began to try to be better than me at being the worst scum of the world...

_"Paigy, Hey" I told her mockingly the next day, when I saw her lying in bed next to mine, with a hangover from hell._

_"Did you see what I did Pheebs?" She asked me, proud and happy of her acting, with bright eyes, waiting for my comment of support, congratulations or something, which broke my heart._

_"Sure, the whole neighborhood heard that you didn't know how to run away and that you even needed help to throw up 'cause you couldn't do that little and easy thing right, and of course, they put you on your cute and sweet favourite pajama bear! to ensure a good night of rest and sleepy after your first and last night of being a fake rebel girl"._

_The eyes of my little sister filled with tears with every word I said rubbing her mistakes without a slightest caring, making her feel dissapointed of herself. I was sure that she hated me as much as I hated myself because of, as her twisted mind was telling her, not being as good as I was being a mess._

_"Don't try to be like me Paige, you're not like me and you'll never be" I told her before leaving the room to go to school "Oh, and a tip" I added from the door, with an evil smile "Get yourself a personality, you do need one kiddo"._

I remember that, after that, my sister's surly attitude became increasingly visible, but without trying to misbehave again ... and so remained for nearly six months: she felt that anybody understood her, and I didn't stop being a trouble maker.

I sighed as I walked behind the woman, thinking that I had imagined the whole place a little more cloudy than it actually looked so far ... and still didn't stop cursing yesterday. Yesterday, I stayed home for the simple fact of being tired and things had turned around eighty degrees impossible to reverse: it was my second argument with Paige after me unable to spend much time with her, and was also the last one.

_I lay down to rest. I was sleepy and didn't care to sleep at eight o'clock in the afternoon, I mean, I was Phoebe...strange. I have no study habits, or sleeping habits or any habit...I was not required to explain why I decided go to bed early. The day had been exhausting. Started with the football competition that my class won, of course, following by the biology class where Todd and I released the frogs, before making blow some nice bottles in the chemistry lab that we knew we shouldn't mix ever...but, the prohibition did that impossible to resist._

_I turned in bed, closing my eyes to recall the last hours at school, thinking about the punishment I would receive as soon gramms come home, which would be past ten p.m, now that she spent so much time working to pay the hospital bills in which I had spent nearly a week after an unfortunate car crash four months ago under Prue's charge ... I don't remember exactly what happened, or why we had the accident, I just know that I had never seen my sister so weak and fragile as when, after five days without talking or seeing me, she fell apart in tears while I was sleeping ... or pretending to. I loved my sister, my sisters, each one with all my heart, but I also knew that we were not what anyone might define as "united" and also knew that I hated myself for not being not even a third of what they were...and that wouldn't let me show how strong were my feelings for my family._

_The door to my room burst open, and I could see the annoyed face of Piper, who had the telephone attached to a hand, looking at me accusingly._

_"The principal just called" Said, crossing her arms. I refused to look at her "He wants to talk to gramms, said it was bad, what did you do now?"_

_My sister's voice was shivering, she seemed worried about me...I knew she was, and even when I was dying to run to her arms and hug her, telling her how much I loved her and that I had no idea why I acted the horrible way I use to, I didn't._

_"Nothing, but you'll go to find out when she comes here yelling insanely after talking with that nasty and gossipy man"._

_Piper slapped her face, exhausted, and left my room ... I swear I saw her mourn._

_I sighed and gasped on the pillow, furious about all this, feeling so guilty about the fact that I had people around loving me and caring about me, and I was not appreciating it ...and feeling deeply lonely and hated in my own home._

_I remembered that I had not bathed, something I should have done after so much action in the afternoon, but was so tired and didn't want to do it...the only thing I had in my mind, was the deeply need to be in Todd's arms and get lost among our groans, wich -along with alcohol and flirting- were the only thing that released my mind from the mess I called life..._

_"You, jerk" I sighed, hatinghim like never before ... but I needed him here, with me ... even though I knew we would never see us again: we were through._

_Our relationshop was over a few hours, or well, ours relationshop was to speak in a way, because in reality we were nothing. It started it end in the afternoon when they sent us a direction after the episode of chemistry, and we had the nerve to take the director's absence there for a couple of hours to did it on his desk...was not that I hadn't done it ever, but the adrenaline that the situation gave us made everything more exciting, at the point that we didn't realize when the door opened just when we were in the "end" of our brave action._

_I smiled under my pillow, God, it was good! ... although I knew I was expelled after that, and tomorrow would be the day my grandmother knew ... at school, they knew she was too busy working, because she was very concerned about our educationl, so I always had the facility to go home without problems until they could communicate with her, more likely it was to talk to her tomorrow, failing that, when she has time._

_Was an exciting afternoon with my best friend at school, that, I guess also end up being expelled, or failing that, found a way to save his ass turned the blame on me ... because that's the what we did: we just lived for our own, and nobody gets angry with anyone ... because there are no loyalties, we are free with each other ... and he was not the best person in the world, he really was a jerk ... and had a girlfriend, Paula. She was a successful cheerleaderr, known for Prue, but they didn't get along, and it was not a secret that her boyfriend and I were friends, and although I really don't sleep with the first guy that passed my way and, indeed, I had not had more than two sexual partners in my life, was known as "Freebe" so that the matter of Todd and I fooling around was an open secret ... they all knew, even Paula, who acted as she didn't know and used the information to humiliate me anytime she could...and that happened this afternoonm when my class was leaving the school and Todd and I were talking. She appeared and began to fight with him. I was so fed up with her cries, and just couldn't resist beating her to leave me/us alone ... making sure her operated nose ended broken again._

_After that, I ran next to Ramona, a loser who was a sort of lap dog that did everything I ordered or asked, thinking she was part of our group. Later I met with Todd again, we did it again a couple of times, when he confessed that he had managed to say that I had forced him and was not his fault ... as I predicted, I would be the only one expelled... and hiding behind an alley, was the last time we were together and also the first time I felt raped by him._

_After dressing and turn around without saying goodbye, I took the way home, crying silently for the injustice that was making me and for having lost the only person I had in my life ... it was true that both had begun to kiss passionately, he sat at the desk and I stood in front of him, and it was true that both couldn't help but get excited ... but was him who, in a quick and unannounced movement, had lifted my skirt and sat me on the top of him, before I'd have time to realize that his pants were unzipped and would penetrate me there: in that situation and without prior consensus ... I'm not saying that I didn't want and he forced me or anything, but I thought we were waiting to leave the school -or at least, get locked in the bathroom or under the bleachers-._

_Now I was trying to sleep, exhausted by so many emotions and activities, and without realizing it, I fell asleep._

_I awoke when I heard someone screaming and unplugged at me sharply. I jumped surprised, sitting in my bed and thinking that probably, my grandmother had already talked with the principal, and was the next day in the morning._

_"Where is Paige!" Cried Prue, being the only thing I understood of everything else she screamed._

_I shook my head in confusion, why I had to know where was that girl? In general, they hardly left us alone, and now I had to be the GPS and tell where she was._

_"Phoebe!" Repeated shaking, and then I had to react._

_"Ehh ... Paige?" I Stammered confusing._

_"Yes, Paige!" Shouted, making me a slap on the arm and would have protested if I wasn't so confused "Your sister!, Black hair, brown eyes, white, aged fifteen, of this size " Indicated putting her hand near her eyebrows._

_Prue looked like a raging bull, and I still didn't understand anything._

_"Stop shouting" Piper intervened, as usual, trying to impose peace "Don't you realize she doesn't understand a word of what you're saying?"_

_" Piper ... Don't you dare to defend her!" Prue refuted, while arguing._

_"I'm defending anyone! Stop arguing! " Answered my sister, I wanted to smile feeling protected by her, but I was still confused with everything._

_"Pheebs, we can't find Paige" She said, giving me at last to understand why Prue shouted, and why to me "She escaped through the window, and only when Prue came back home, she realized that she left"_

_I rubbed my face, and now I understood a little bit: both, Prue and Paige, shared a room so that Paige would "stick" decency and had beside her a good example rather than a bad one like me._

_"Do you know where can she be?" Asked Piper._

_She seemed shattered, Prue too, as I wanted to know what time, what day we were living and where my grandmother was ... well, my head was spinning after Todd and me had drunk almost four bottles of rum after school..._

_"Must be ... today was ..." I started thinking, angry because I had a headache "Wait, wait, today there's a party at Debbie Connor's" I said putting up, staggered to one side "Must be there, she have heard that from me, she always wanted to go"._

_"Why I'm not surprised that this is because of you?" Barked Prue, ready to start yelling something "I thought she had forgotten to want to imitate you"._

_I shook my heaed, stood up and while though I was in pajamas, ran out of the house looking for my sister. I took the car, stunned, knowing that I should't drive being drunk, but had done several times without problems and this time would not be an exception ... it was about Paige's sake._

_I came to a place full of lights, smoke and people having sex in the bushes, other injecting things, drinking, and I thought I'd die if I ever find Paige in those conditions...and was also, the first time I put in my family's place, understanding how they felt about me when they saw me so lost in life._

_I shook my head and parked as the music helped to increase my migraine. I found my sister dancing with Todd, too close and then kissed as if tomorrow doesn't exist. I ran and fell to the ground, stumbling with some people lying on the floor, busy dreaming with their LSD, so I decided to walk this time, albeit slower, but come without setbacks._

_I saw the asshole of Todd move his hand to Paige's shirt zipper, starting to download it, showing her underwear. I almost vomited. It was disgusting to see the face of confusion in my little girl, who I knew was just trying to look bigger and didn't know how to stop the situation, allowing him to take off her shirt._

_"Take your hands off! " I screamed, hitting him in the face and knocking him to the floor, seeing him contracting painfully._

_"Phoebe!" Cried she, angry and ashamed, covering her torso with both hands and looking for her bluse._

_"We are going home" I shouted taking her arm, dragging her to the car, but she kept kicking and complaining, of course I paid no attention, it hurt too much to look at her and recall Todd's arms around her neck._

_"I hate you!" Paige cried, staring at me with a deep resentment and even, scaring me._

_She staggered as she was drunk and I hoped she had not taken anything else than a little bit of alcohol._

_"I don't care" I lied, pulling her into the car with violence and starting to drive as fast as I could to avoid she trying to thrown out the door with the car running. It was something I'd do._

_"You do" grumbled, and though I knew it was true, I said nothing._

_Upon arriving home, I grabbed her arm and pushed her to the door. We heard the hysterical screams of my grandmother and Prue, and Piper was crying._

_"Are you insane? Have you ever heard 'don't drink and drive'?" Cried Prue "You may have killed Paige!"_

_I smiled, Was she only worried about Paige? ... No, I knew that she meant "you may have killed yourself" she couldn't bear to see the same thing happen twice in such a short time._

_"Stop talking as if I wasn't here!" Paige complained and I let her go of my arm, but was attached by my grandmother._

_"We need to talk" She said seriously._

_"Isn't my bussines!" Screamed trying to scape. Her eyes __were __covered with tears, angry, frustrated at being arrested as well._

_"Stop acting like Freebe!" Prue screamed, covering her mouth at once, ashamed of what she just said._

_I felt uncontrollable urge to mourn ... I could hear those comments from anyone, and it hurt ... but from my own sister was too, too hard. I could see the regret in her eyes, but ... she would never ask me for forgiveness. Her ego was bigger. My ego too._

_"She will never be like me" I said, listening as arrogant to others, but speaking with deep pain "She needs to find a personality, and not a copy of ours, neither a foul copy mine"._

_"Why do you keep hating me if I have always supported you completely! The first time I tried was a failure! and it took me six months to learn how to do it well, to have a plan to get away without anyone noticing and... I just want to be like you!, what is wrong with that?" Paige screamed, and my heart broke again: If she hadn't tried anything, it was because she was learning the method before..._

_"Everything!, You're not me, get it over!" I screamed with all the pain I was feeling in my chest, to see that in some part, it was my fault, that she was doing that._

_"What's the fucking problem!, Is it only you can have fun, be free and...?"_

_Paige was making me sick and tired. She was talking nonsense without knowing, and I didn't want to hear more...I could only hear the cries of Piper, the screams of gramms asking us to come home. Without knowing why, simply giving vent to my emotions out of control, I raised my hand and slapped Paige._

_"You never do this again" I said through clenched teeth, seeing how hurt she was...none of us would have expected something like this before "You have a future, dreams and talent, do not ruin your life"._

_Most looked at me confused, especially Prue. Paige shrugged to vomit, soiling whole. After Piper and gramms took her to her room._

_I hugged myself, and I turned around, hearing the voice of Prue._

_"Where are you going?" She was still affected by what she said and also what she had heard of me._

_"Freebe has a reputation to take care of" I said, knowing it was stinging in her wound by repeating the nickname I hated and resented me._

_I walked slowly and no one stopped me, I wanted to go far, far away._

"This is your room" said the woman.

Both entered in a small room with two bunk beds: white, perfectly clean and tidy, and I thought that only one person so neat freak like Piper, and as strict as Prue may have a place like that. I felt like fainting...my sisters...I needed them so much...

"Anything you need, do not forget to tell, your teammates will arrive in two hours after they run out of sports out there, take some time to accommodate you, at five it's time to eat, do not forget, however, let your time in your portfolio" She said, leaving the famous folder on the top bunk of the bunk on the right, I assumed that I would sleep there.

The woman left and I closed the door behind me, leaning against the wall and couldn't help mourn as never before...or well, twice before: when dad left and when my mother died.

I needed a hug from Piper; one of those I hadn't receive since three months ago, the day of my birthday ... one that I almost refused after saying that "seventeen years is too old for sweet and childish hugs from your big sister"...Now I was dying for her embrace.

Prue...I needed her...yes, only when you're as desperate as I was you realize you need your dictator big sister...that you actually know it's not as dictator and that's only seeking for your welfare ... I wish I had heard her advice before, when she said "Do not mess with these guys" Why didn't listen when I was banned the first time? Because when something was forbidden was irresistible...and her opinioon as gramms just made me want to do those wrong this with more pleasure, just to make them angry and...just because I wanted them to hate me as much as I hate myself.

But I couldn't help but be resentful, because they had me locked up here since I was "addicted to alcohol and parties, because I had a terrible performance and needed help" ... That wasn't true. I was not an alcoholic, never had tried drugs, I think had never smoked grass more than once, as they all could swear I do...but if they wanted an addict, I'll give them one: because that's what I do, bring the counter ... Do you want I upgraded?, then I will do everything I can to discharge.

I dried my tears, enraged, wanting to kick everyone and stopping to see the new room where I was. It had four doors the size of a long locker and wanted to go to look, seem to need convinación and be locked. I took the folder and threw my backpack on my new bed, and there was the combination of my locker so that no one dared to steal my stuff ... like I care.

With the folder still in my hands, I went and looked up the numbers 8924, hearing and issued a slight "click" that let me open the large door now. I looked inside and noticed that that it was actually my closet with the suitcase that my grandmother had left at the entrance when she left me, at the same time that I was sent to talk to the counselor to explain the rules of the center to me, that of course, I didn't listen.

I put the folder inside, trying to memorize the number, just in case, and I jumped to the bunk bed, remembering old times when Paige and I had eight and ten years old and we shared one, taking turns each night to sleep in the top bunk.

I wonder if this will work to give a good shake"up, and make her understand that this kind of life is not what she is looking for...I hope that me being in this jail help, so that what Prue tried -and couldn't- do for me, I can do with Paige : protect and make reconsider.

I hope that gramms' plan work out ... I remember her exact words the day I arrived home after discussing with Paige and gone to get some distraction from the same party where I was gone. She looked me, sitted in my bed after I entered through the window and told me a chilling "Phoebe" to which I replied with a drunken and mispronounced "What ?"...

The memory that the creepy woman who brought me here had stopped, just entered this place, and returning to its painful course.

_"This afternoon I was told you were expelled" she said, sternly._

_I put latch to the window that just closed, only to do something._

_"I know what you did in the biology lab, the disaster in chemistry class and your scene in the principal's office"._

_"Did they tell you that we were in full orgasm?" I asked, only to provoke more, feeling her hand hit my face with such intensity that I couldn't hold my tears._

_I turned my face to a side, she sat back down after standing as fast as lightning, and bit the second phalanx of the index finger._

_"I don't know what to do with you" she confessed._

_I could see her shivering hand, also her chin: she was about to say something important._

_I walked to my closet and looked for another shirt to sleep, I was sweaty from dancing so much and also my blouse was soiled with vomit of Paige, who was already dry, and I could be many things, but I wouldn't sleep with that. I began to undress, because I was not ashamed of my body to anyone, and my gramms was the one who had changed my diapers and teached me all of biology I needed to know as I grew._

_"Look at the example that you give to your sister. Look at the problems that causes in class ...I need you to grow up, to mature ..." I said, watching me walk._

_I went through the room and only had my underwear on, looking for something to put among my laundry, because I just pulled my pajamas that I wore when I went to the party and also had not thrown my clothes to wash for almost two weeks and would have nothing to wear the next day if I took something of my closet now._

_"I do not know what to do with you" she repeated, and I heard her crying, covering her face, then looked at me with pursed lips and glassy eyes...She was looking at my torso, focusing on my breasts full of brands that Todd had made sucking and bitting in the afternoon._

_I was embarrassed, almost for the first time. I put a shirt on top quickly, I was not able to seeing her cry in that way, the pain was so strong that for the first time, I gave in and hugged her. She stroked my hair, like when I was little girl and slowly separated from me._

_"You're more drunk than you were"._

_I closed my eyes, feeling like life whipped my face and I said that the love, family and the relationship we had when I was fourteen years old, was absolutely dead._

_"What do you came to say?" I asked walking up to my window, only to open it a bit ... I was suffocating._

_"I want you to sleep, tomorrow I'll wake up you early to do your suitcase"._

_"Case?" I managed to ask, spinning me to see her._

_"For your sake, and for Paige's" said, she was more sorry for her "Tomorrow we are going to intern you"._

_"We are?, intern you?" I asked about going into hysterics, understanding everything but understand nothing at the same time._

_"I made a decision, your sisters already know..."_

_"Admission to where?"_

_I looked scared, she sighed heavily before answering._

_"A rehabilitation center dear, I can not do anything more for you"._

_I froze._

_I felt her lips kissing my forehead, said something I did not hear, perhaps one of her typical "Blessed be" and left my room._

I know I cried, but I don't remember more...I also know that that day my life was turned upside down as the unexpected and violent car crash I had lived four months ago... I know that I know nothing.

I felt my stomach complaining, I was hungry, and with reason. I had not eaten since the previous day. I had not had breakfast, busy vomiting hangover, nothing more than wandering in my bed...

_I felt steps into my room and opened one eye, seeing Piper crouched between my clothes and selecting one to put in the suitcase she was doing for me, but didn't say anything until she left._

_Later, gramms asked me to come down to eat, and I did, impressed myself by not saying a word._

_The meal was served, I sat down at my empty plate and filled my glass._

_"Do you want potatoes?" asked grammsr, the only one who dared to speak._

_The others looked at me with guilt: Prue was still sorry after calling me Freebe, Piper for failing to "Save me" and Paige seemed to have ceased to hate me now that she knew that somehow, through her own fault, I was going to be admitted in a mental home._

_"Claro" I smiled broadly, in a terrorific way to._

_"You have to eat well, today will be a tough day" She said scanning me carefully, as if looking for a reaction in me._

_I nodded, poured myself a strong portion of everything on the table, each of them and without forget any food._

_The girls seemed amazed that I was so calm, but none had the courage to say anything._

_"Thanks" I smiled, leaving both covered on the table, drinking my glass of soda from a single sip, just to annoy and pretend it was beer, rum, or something._

_Gramms didn't say anything, and stared at me, knowing me, she knew something else had to come, I was not so peaceful, calm or type to be controlled ... but the truth was that I was discouraged, yet full of rage inside that I didn't know how to express in a nonviolent way, because I have not the strength to scream or kick. I was very tired._

_I took the plate with both hands and stood with it, then walked slowly and deliberately, pausing impascible ...to the another header, in view of all and in front of her._

_"Delicious" I said with a smile almost macabre, before dropping the plate on the floor, looking very innocent, and hearing how it cracked, watching the food roll on the floor with no one stopped ...to the last pea rolling close to the chair of Piper._

_I went to my room, giving me the pleasure or displeasure of seeing the surprised faces of my sisters and my grandmother exhaustion and Prue. I went back to bed and fell asleep, waking up when I got into the car ... it was time to go._

Now I regretted not having eaten anything, and having wasted my favorite food...yes...despite not having even a little heart to be as exaggerated to send me to a rehabilitation center, had all the tact to make me feel loved, appreciated... and deep down I knew that if I was there was for Paige... I was trying to help her to find her way, showing her what would happen to her if she tried to be like me, and also knew that there I could, perhaps, find some meaning to my life...if my all world was a mess, a change of scenery might do one of two things: Help me make someone out of my own, or end to sink. I Bet winner in both cases, if I have nothing ... nothing I can lose.

I heard the sound of the door, and sat down at once on a matter of inertia, waiting to meet some of the other girls or staff person, but never the guy who appeared standing in the door.

"Are you the new one?" He asked as I jumped off the bed slowly and stood infront of him.

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**So? Does it get messy with all those flashbacks? Well, here you have the reasons of why Phoebe is where she is and, from now, her adventure begins. Who's the guy in the door? Have you an idea already? I'm pretty sure you do.**

**Any comment is acepted if it is respectful, in a review (you can leave one even though you don't have a Fanfiction account, just clicking on the yellow button over there, and making a nickname).**

_Review response(s):_

**ViryMousy: **Hahaha, yes it was because the original prologue was in english silly! The rest of the fic is in spanish, so is driving me crazy to translate to english. Thank you for being so supportive.

**Pholefan: **Thank you for your review! I hope you liked this chapter, and decide to keep reading until the last one :B it would mean a lot, seriously. (btw, when are you going to update your fics?).


	3. Hello strangers

**Hello guys! I'm very very happy after all the reviews I received! Yayyy! well kids, I need to tell you again (just in case) that this is a dark fic...so, do not expect anything happy lol. Rating will change to M in a few chaps (chap 8) and well...when the end of the story arrives (well, like 4-5 chaps before that) I'll ask you if you want things to go this creepy way or if you want an alternate ending.**

**It's all up to you guys.**

**Thank you for your time =)**

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**Chapter one, part II: Hello stranger**

I stopped curiously, noticing that he was quite high -or I very small- my head came to a stop on his well worked torso without even reaching his neck.

His skin was clear, but a beard neglected, which somehow made him look more sexy than he was. His green eyes looked dead, covered with purple and dark circles ... it was obvious that either did'nt sleep long, or had a profound addiction to something ... or both together.

"Are you?," he asked, looking quickly up and down.

I felt like he undressed me with his eyes, but not in a carnal way: He scanned me so fast that I felt that I almost didn't keep any secret from him, and though I knew that was impossible, was what I felt.

"Uh, yeah ... I think, that I'm new but I don't know if I am 'the new one,'" I said, quite uncomfortable to have him now so close, after he had taken a step forward when I started talking.

He stared at me without saying anything for a while, and I understood anything, again.

"So?," he asked looking at me expectantly, separating from me and scratching an eyebrow.

"So...what?,"

He looked at me without changing his expression. I was scared, just a bit ... it seemed that he was talking to the wrong person, and I wanted to know what was a man doing in that place ... How did the safety rules work? I wasn't that scared, and I didn't care at all, but gave me curiousity about how an older person and also of the opposite sex, was quietly wandering around in my room.

"You didn't bring anything?," He asked, and, now, I realized that he was confused.

"Oh, I understand," I said, and a glitter of sick hope lit in his eyes "You're confusing me with someone else. I have no idea what you mean and yes, I brought a few things: a backpack and a pair of sneakers, but I think you're not my size".

He looked at me with the question in his face "Are you serious?" printed side by side.

"You didn't bring anything?," he repeated, this time not asking, but in disbelief upon hearing my response.

"No," I said, putting both hands on my hips, to show strength "I did not bring anything, or anything else than what I already said, so, would you leave?"

He looked at me somewhat stunned and hit the wall, making me jump.

"Damn...," I heard him mutter "Are you sure tha..."

"I did not bring anything!," I shouted before repeating his stupid, annoying and ambiguous question.

I heard him sigh, also saw him rubbing his face, almost ready to ask again, but wisely abstained.

"Why are you here?" he asked out of nowhere, and I didn't not know what to do: he had suddenly changed the subject.

I was annoyed: after getting in and asking over and over totally desperate if I had "brought something" without even knocking the door before, he came to me for explanations.

"I...well, I guess...the same reason you're here..." I stammered, not knowing why I didn't say anything about what I thought about him before, but continued the conversation.

"No, you're not, otherwise you'd brought something," he replied with a nasty temper.

I was upset trying to figure out what the hell he meant and it seemed that finally he noticed that I didn't understand what was that famous "thing".

"I refer to drugs," he said, and I nodded ... I was right, he was addicted to drugs, and a lot, he looked even deranged "Most newbies manage to bring some hidden ... the old ones that come back, too," he continued, and I realized that he was sicker than I could have thought "You're not here for that, why are you here?"

"My gram ... my family," I corrected, without intention of going into details "thinks I'm an alcoholic and drug addict, and here I am ... until either I or this people get bored".

"Ah ... And are you one of those things?," he asked, acting as he was intereseted, but I knew he just wanted to go.

"No".

The boy nodded and left the room and I didn't even know his name, but hoped not to see him again...he gave me goosebumps. I kept in my things and sat to read the silly folder to see if there was something that amused me. I went over the schedule just for curiosity: I had all day, every day, strictly planned, starting at 7:00 am and ending at 20:00 Pm

I closed my eyes for a moment, exhausted, hungry, and increasingly sad, starting to fall asleep, lulled by the impenetrable silence of the room. I was tired, I had a bad night's sleep and a good way to avoid me not to think about how much I missed my own bed, was sleeping.

"Look!, she's already here!," I heard in my dream a voice slightly acute.

"Why she has the top bunk? So unfair!" complained another.

I realized that they were talking about me: there were more people in the room, and they saw me sleeping on my bed. I didn't know how long I had been dozing, but it seemed that I only closed my eyes once in a simple and light blinking.

"What's up?" I heard that I was asked, followed by a bounce in my bed ,whoever had jumped up and sat next to me, what made me open my eyes.

"Is pretty" I heard that one of them said, and would have smiled if I wasn't being harassed by three teenagers who should be crazy to be locked up there too.

"My name is Gisselle," greeted me with a wide smile the one who had jumped to my side. She seemed to be highly medicated or something, or, drugged, but I was sure she wasn't drunk "I'am seventeen and have multiple personality disorder" She said proudly, shaking my hand tightly and effusive, making me shake.

"Nice..." I said feeling invaded with its insistent gaze, like a dog shaking its tail in front of a butcher.

"They" said pointing to the other two, "Are Helena and Rubi" Gisselle continued, leaping from the bed to the floor and standing next to them, putting her both arms behind their heads and smiled.

"Hello" said the two, shaking her off.

"Hi..." I whispered, being interrupted by the girl, who spoke again, as fast as if life gets you out of it.

"Helena is twenty-one, is addicted to heroin, and has a serious problem with candies," she said as a TV presenter, and I didn't understand how bad could it be that you liked candies compared to heroin addiction "Rubi is fifteen, is our baby..." smiled, pressing her cheek too hard "And is our sweet selfinjurer..."

"Cool..." I muttered.

I was quite surprised and actually a little sad for her. I thought that if my grandmother saw these girls, would raise a pyramid in the middle of downtown San Francisco with my name on it saying how perfect I was. I also remembered Paige when I heard how old was Rubi.

"And you?" asked still excited, now seemed to jump in her place, which didn't seem strange to any other besides me.

"I'm ... Phoebe..." I said something disturbed. Correction: very disturbed "I'm seventeen and...well, isn't interesting: my grandmother thinks I'm alcoholic and a junkie," I confessed, but after hearing them stories the only thing that concerned me was that they thought I was a baby.

"What? Drugs? Did you bring any?" Helena asked, reacting very fast, making me remember the guy a few hours before. They really had a problem.

"I'm not addicted to anything, nor alcoholic" I defended myself.

"Denial" hummed the three.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Did you bring anything or not?" Helena asked again.

"No" I said sharply, starting to irritate me, no one was paying attention to what I was saying?

"If you brought and don't share," began Helena, in a tone of advice mixed with threat "When you need it because you're descompesated, nobody will help you, so, I'm asking again: do you have drugs or not?"

She looked at me raising her eyebrows repeatedly, and that was the straw that broke the glass. I felt anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, I was being accused, I was being pigeonholed, stereotyped ... again. I felt that nobody believed me and trusted me, and that that people who doesn't even know me judged me like that, was like slap across the face telling me that anyone in the world had a little faith in me.

"I said no!" I yelled hitting my pillow, watching them suprirse "I am not a fucking junkie, I'm not a fucking alcoholic, I have no other fucking problem than a family full of hysterical bitches that put me here for nothing!" I shouted angrily, crossing my arms and clenching jaws, ready to bite whoever in front of me, literally and metaphorically.

"Okay ... " Helena muttered, making an strange grimace "I believe you ... we're going to shower after the game, it's a rule. In one more hour we have to go to the caffeteria and have lunch".

I nodded. My body shrunk and I remembered that I hadn't time to shower...and I still felt dirty arfter my meeting with Todd yesterday.

"Can I...?" I asked suddenly, almost with a thread of voice. Rubi turned.

"What?"

"Bathing ... I have, I want to bathe," I said, getting off my bed, also with a clever jump and fake security.

"Sure," smiled Gisselle "But hurry up, there are shifts of ten minutes each, and the line is long".

I nodded and pulled out a towel before leaving, and bit my lips when I had to admit that I liked it or not: I was part of that place.

I walked behind the girls, which were on one line and looked like a small tower of blocks sorted from lowest to highest: Helena was the highest of all, nearly a head taller than me. She had straight black hair to the waist, black eyes, brown skin and looked thin, but not like Rubi.  
The following was her, who was extremely skinny, with brown hair cut like a boy. She was the youngest among the four, but taller than me and as pale as a sheet; I figured that she would have anemia, but if something caught my attention from her, were her green eyes... I had never seen such sad eyes as them...ever, except for the man who visited me asking if I had brought something.

At her side was Gisselle: the jumping girl who had the distinction of being the only blonde among the four. She was smaller than I by almost half a head, swarthy skin and a little more plump than the others, including me with dark blue eyes hiding a pain I didn't understand.

When we get to the bathroom, I could see the steam all over the place. Most of the girls already had gotten a shower and had scattered on the floor the sport clothes of the institution, the same that my friends were wearing: I was the only one who was wearing the dirty clothes with had slept, complemented with makeup smeared from crying when I first arrived.

"New Girl?" asked one of them.

I saw my roommates tell my "story" to all the others, but it seemed that they were used to tell everyone around every single secret, so I didn't offended ... but I heard several times the phrase "still in denial" in the middle of their talks.

I took my clothes off, leaving just my underwear on, thinking that I would remove it once I get into the shower, not before ... one thing was to have no shame, another, was being a exhibicionist. I opened the door of one of the showers with my eyes closed and fatigued, then hung my towel in the door before locking the door waiting to feel the warm water going through my tired muscles and some shampoo massaging my head, that would be quite useful at that time.

But instead of feeling the metal levers, I felt a hand take me by the wrist.

"Shit!," I yelled opening my eyes quickly.

I tried to go back, tripping over my own feet; I tried to use the wall as support, but the confusion and my attempts to not bang my head, ended up trashing me on the floor of the shower. I opened my eyes again, without giving me time to complain about the pain and I found the person that had taken my hand when I entered: Rubi's face looked at me with disappointment, and some morbidity. I sat as I could, and covered my breasts to see her so blatantly at me. I got up as I could, with much awkwardness and took my towel to cover me quickly. I turned, red with shame and anguish as could be, ready to get out of there as soon as possible, I was unable to continue listening to the laughter of the others.

"There's a new whore in the jewels' group" shouted one of the girls that I had no idea who was and I wasn't interested to know either.

"You're lucky, Sabina broke up with her girlfriend last week," said another of them, smiling sweetly at me.

My thoughts stopped at the time that I really did "click" and conected all the ideas:...jewel's group? Sabina and her girl? ... They thought ...

"Welcome!" Rubi said hugging me from behind, and I could feel her wet and naked torso against my naked skin as well, making me chill and nearly have a heart attack.

"No!"

I screamed so loud that I felt my voice had come straight from my soul. I pushed Rubi out of inertia, making her hit another girl and all looked at me weird. I was agitated, nervous, and with both hands on my face, holding the towel with my elbows to keep my bare chest covered.

"No!... I mean, I'm not ... I'm not ... I ... I thought there was nobody in there!, That's it: I got in with my eyes closed, I had no idea that there was someone else in and..."

"Quiet. Nobody here judges anyone, girls or boys, being gay is not a crime" said Rubi again, approaching me with a hint of understanding and maternal instinct.

"I'm not gay" I said, removing her wet, slippery hands off "Enough, I'm done!" I muttered.

Trying to explain myself made no sense at the time, and I was about to cry insanely: I didn't want them to see me crying. I turned on my heels, and didn't care about my clothes lying on the floor, I just needed return to my room.

Still dirty, harassed and watched, I ran down the hall at full speed, and I didn't stopped even at the feeling of a stone buried in the sole of my right foot: I had to remember that walking bare feet across the yard was not always a good idea.  
I reached the door, and it took a couple of attempts to achieve open. I slammed before climbing on the bunk and lay on my bed.

And I began to mourn.

I was angry, I was ashamed, I felt pain. I wanted to go home, but didn't want to be there neither. I wanted them all to leave me alone, I wanted ... I wanted so many things, mainly, to be someone in life.

"Sorry..."

I curled my fists on my pillow, hiding my hands under and biting it with regret. I thought of my family. I thought about my parents ... I thought what would my mom say if I she was able to see me and see me in such conditions, that if my dad found me on the street would recognize that her daughter was an embarrassment to his blood. My tears stressed and memories passed through my head, strong, quick, painful... many times with my sisters, my grandmother, my friends, Todd, with Ramona, fights with Paula, grandmother and Prue; evenings of laughter, sleepovers with Piper and Paige, Prue driving lessons, Christmas, new years, birthdays and Thanksgiving. Too much pain, so many memories...

I felt a hand on my shoulder and scared me, would it be one of those lesbians again?

"What?" I shouted furiously, sitting in the bed and not having enough time to cover my body with the towel.

I had paralyzed when I saw the same guy from earlier, that was holding my arm, without flinching and without even looking at my naked breasts.

"I came looking for something," he said, releasing my arm and turning back, while I hid my body as best I could, afraid of what might come to happen: now I did care about safety standards.

"What...?" I asked, almost inaudibly, looking to delve into the closet of one of the girls.

"I got material. I brought to Helena," he said, opening the locker and pulling a small bag "Tell her I left it here, although I suppose she will notice".

I saw him remove something from his pocket and hide in the small bag of Helena. Then he closed the little door, ready to go. My lips moved faster than my common sense, and before you know why or that my inner had the chance to tell me "Don't!", I asked:

"What material did you bring?"

He turned slowly and looked into my eyes, making me shiver from head to toe, why had I spoken?, Why did he always let me mute?

"Heroin," he said, ready to leave and not speak to me.

On the one hand it felt good to not call his attention, give me peace of mind knowing that I wasn't going to end up raped...at least not for him, but I hated being ignored. I never was overlooked: hate me or love me, but do not ignore me.

"Could you..."

I never got to finish my question when I realized that I had no idea what I wanted to ask.

"Well done, Phoebe! Look as stupid infront of this guy," I thought sarcastically to myself.

"Give you?"

His husky voice made me shiver again. He raised an eyebrow and walked slowly to where I was, hitting his forehead against mine. I started to sweat and I clenched my hands on the towel with force: I was afraid. The man looked into my eyes for a long time without move, as my breathing was incredibly slow to be afraid to move and cause, anything...

"You said you weren't a drug addict," he said before leaving me, and I almost go forward and facing the floor, if I did not was because he held on to my shoulders and pushed me up, not caring.

"I'm not" I replied gulped, wondering why I had spoken from the beginning and what I was thinking at the time that continued.

"Wanna try?" he asked without looking at me, distracted by his alternate universe.

My brain started to hurt. I had too many thoughts, too many voices in my head, too much confusion and everything seemed so unbearable that I was almost going to explode, how should I answer that question?, How the hell could someone ask me that question?

The man walked toward the door with slow and frustrating steeps. I was tempted. He said that because he was trying to chat with me, to make me say yes; or that was what I wanted to believe or that at least, he was making fun of me, because to realize that he was actually ignoring me again was not pleasant at all.

"Yes!"

I screamed without knowing why, but he provoked on me a kind of mental confusion and conflict that I couldn't explain. He prompted me to approach him, to not let him go, to spend more time in his presence ... to try to understand and become part of his twisted world. Silly, but that place was so strange that nothing made sense and desire to understand, that my little common sense had been abolished.

He turned, walked up to me without taking his eyes off his shoes and then returned to hit his forehead to mine. I felt faint...especially when his warm breath hit my face and his voice entered my ears. It was creepy.

"You are a person that should not be here" he said with sincerity and very slow "You are not like us, and shall not be me the one who turns you into a monster".

He separated from me and again, I felt myself going down, but him, with just one hand, the right one, held me from my chest -supporting me by my left breast- and gave me upward momentum. And, without looking at me, turning back, he left from where he had come.

I closed my eyes in shame, more than ever, grateful to have had the towel over my body, and buried my face against the pillow, at least there was someone else who thought I should not be there...but he was so cold, and the way he touched me as if I was nothing...the fact that I didn't caused him the slightest interest aroused in me a mixture of wounded pride and satisfaction.

The voices of the girls reminded me of where and how I was, and I didn't look, or say anything when I was asked why I was still wrapped in the towel.

"Hey Pheebs" said, whom I recognized as Helena "Hey, don't be mad, you just confused us, that's all".

I pushed my fists harder to feel the shame down my body again, the day was a mess ... from beginning to end.

I could see the faces of the others laughing at me, I could remember Rubi's eyes looking at me with that expression ... strange, I just wanted to go home. If I cried like a little girl and promised that I was going to behave, would they reconsider in bring me back to my old life? I was clear about the answer: No. Because no one believed me, I had demolished the faith of everyone in me, and more than that, my own faith.

"Hey ... I'm really sorry," somebody said, this time Rubi "But I don't want you to be afraid of us, me or the other jewels...we're not going to hurt you, we just thought you were one of us...that's all. I sware".

"C'mon Pheebs, it's not the first time that happens, if makes you feel better, something similar happened to me when I arrived" said Helena.

"I promise that nothing will happen to you, hey, we're all in this together... if we do not support each other, we don't have anyone" finished Gisselle.

I felt that girl's hand on my hair, and let me pet ... I needed to feel love, understanding, patience ... I needed to feel the sincerity that was expressing that girl and couldn't help but came to mourn, so strong, so strong that nothing else mattered to me...

I felt Gisselle accommodate me and hug me, also the other two stroke my hair. I imagined, I wanted to imagine that Rubi, Gisselle and Helena, were Paige, Piper and Prudence. I clenched my eyelids, trying to visualize the utopia that would not happen in light years, and had not been since at least three or four years ... the relationship between the four was not the same since a few yearas ago...we all seemede strangers that lived in the same house and shared lastnames.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..."

Helena began to whisper that song with the voice a little broken. It felt, no, I knew that that song meant something for her, and the fact that she was sharing it with me, made made my tears became much stronger, especially when the others joined the tune.

And I fell asleep.

I awoke at the feeling of somebody shooking me slowly, nothing compared to the horrible pangs that Prue had given me at home the night she wondered for Paige.

I thought about it. I wondered what was she doing, and before begining to mourn and disarm me again, I decided to clear my head and open my eyes. I had cried, easily, about three or four hours during the day, and that was something I never did. I was tired, emotionally worn out.

"Time to eat Pheebs" said Gisselle softly and I felt she put a couple of things on my hands "Your clothes, I found them in the restroom, they're folded".

"Get dressed before we go down. We'll wait out if you need some privacy" finished Helena.

I rubbed my eyes and saw her smile before left as she had said, to wait outside the room. I got up, got dressed quickly and I wondered if someday I would be able to bathe or not, and with a smile that didn't know where came from, I went quickly to hang out with girls I didn't know why, but they were right: if we coudln't count on eachother, we had no one to trust.

"Ready?" Rubi asked, somewhat shy of my reaction.

"Ready" I smiled, giving them my best and most sincere smile, saying with that action that we could start all over again and with the right foot.

I smiled all the way in which I followed them, I couldn't place me anywhere, but I knew that with them I'd never lose ... at least geographically.

"Helena," I said, calling her for her name for the first time since we got there,"Today, a guy came in our room and..."

"Cole!" she interrupted, nodding calmly "he told me that he had left the things in my locker, everything's fine Phoebe".

"His name is Cole?" I asked, getting into the cafeteria was filled with people everywhere, also were nurses around.

"Yeah," said Rubi "he is responsible for bring Helena 'those things'..."

"Quiet; he often comes and goes through the rooms, but will never hurt you," said Gisselle "It seems not interested in women at all".

I frowned and felt a kind of disappointment in me, but as the day had been so opposed and contradictory, also an infinite calm in knowing that nothing would happen and all of his appearances were normal.

"Is twenty-eight,"continued Helena "is addicted to everything that is drug ...from the most simple to the most powerful, is a special case, had spent years here ... but rarely talks to anyone but me, sometimes talks with Gisselle or Rubi".

"How long can goes a man without sex?" I asked, attacked by curiosity, but what I really wanted to know and wanted to hear was that he was not gay.

"I don't know" said Gisselle, shrugging "But nobody said he had no sex, we said we think is gay".

I put my face in disgust, and the girls laughed at that, even Rubi.

"Saying he's gay is the invention of some envious that have tried something with him and have been ignored," explained Helena, who seemed to know him more,"The truth is that sometimes satisfies his needs with girls who are going to leave soon and knows that won't come back to see never again...he doesn't want to get involved with anyone. I do not know what else to say".

I nodded with a knot in my stomach, wondering why I was interested in Cole as I got to the line. After we eat, I met more people, of which I don't remember too much and come bedtime. I put on my pajamas and went to bed early, about ten o'clock.

I was tired, and looking through the windo reminded me of home ... but overall, I could feel the strong hands of Cole avoid me from falling, and the deep anger that had led me to refuse give me some drugs...a little bit of them wasn't a big deal, and he looked at me like I was baby...a spoiled little girl. I felt anger at the thought that they looked at me like a simple "Ramona", when I was everything but a little girl ... I am capable of many things ... but in the end, I was very grateful for not to be dependent on anything ... about anything other than the deep need to know more about Cole.

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**Okay crew! Here's another chapter and well...I'd like to know what you think. You liked Rubi, Gisselle and Helena? they'll appear often but, just with small dialogues...the main character here is Phoebe and of course, Cole...**

_Review(s) response(s):_

**CharmedSuperGirl: **Awwww! thank you thank you thank you! well, your wish is my command!

**Pholefan:** really? thank you! pinky promise? I really want to know what will happen next!

**ButterflyEyes24:** See? keep your faith and never loose hope lol it was Cole! and I think gramms never thought what's gonna happen next...muahahahahhaha.


	4. My first time

**Okay kids! here's another chap! I really hope you like it, because I like it lol (it may sound self-centered, I know).**

**And...oh! my bad, Happy new year to you all! =)**

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**Chapter Two: My first time.**

It was my third day in that place, and gradually I got used at all schedules, people, some rules. Myself reminded me Piper trying to do everything right, but I did because of shyness and fear to the high concentration of mentally unbalanced that was there, more than anything else. Helena, Gisselle and Rubi made it more simple and friendly to me, while others tried to be my friends ... but I don't trust them, and I won't: I don't know what they are really looking for, I believe that with the girls is enoug.

"Well done, Halliwell," said one of the sports instructors, after basketball practice was over.

I smiled to myself, happy that whenever I was involved in sports I was good, maybe I wasn't so useless after all ... or perhaps it was because others were officially a disaster. The night before Rubi was taken to the nursery after cytting herself more than she should and I had innocently wondered why it was so easy for everyone to get those kinda of things if they were supposed to be there for rehabilitation.

_"This is a business Pheebs ... you do what you want. Monitors tell doctors only half of things, or even less because they accept bribes from the leaders of this place ... and while your parents aren't aware of anything; doctors know less ... and so, while they think you're perfect, you're still paying for treatment and nobody bothers you"._

I found that it was perhaps too categorical opinion, and I think it is very possible that if someone wants to leave all that, can accomplish if puts all the energy on it ... although I was also aware that a if person doesn't want to get it over, never would. Besides the absence of Rubi, I could see people with big dark circles, some as hangovers or sleeping in excess of drugs, others fainting and have not eaten in days ... people also extremely hyperactive, in short: was a circus.

After showering, I went to my room to weep, and taking advantage that nobody was in there, I took off my towel to dry myself more freely than wrapped in a kind of human taco ... and I'm that lucky that didn't hear the door opening. While I was looking for something to wear in front of my closet, and used the towel that before was wrap my body to dry my hair, there was someone sitting on the bed of Helena, without me noticing until I was fully dressed. I screamed, jumped and hit the wall in surprise.

"Wh...when...you got there?," I asked complexed, I think I was in my right that I didn't like anybody to see me naked without knowing it, and less when the person that was watching me was so intimidating, harsh, hard and cold ...He was like a ghost, sometimes was around, sometimes not, but you never knew when he moved.

"Long enough to know you have a birthmark in ..."

"Shut up" I told him and I feel flushed, then covered my body even when I knew I was dressed, by simple inertia.

"I think I know why they sent you here: exhibitionist" said quietly sitting on the comfortable bed of Helena, the room's junkie.

"What are you doing here?, Why you didn't knock, warn or. ..?, At least closed your eyes!" I yelled angrily, getting closer to slap him, just to get his attention, but he stopped my hand so hard that I had to beg after moarhim to release it.

"Don't you dare" he said, watching me rub my sore wrist.

"You're a beast" I said, wondering if I would have any significant bruising or not, it hurt like hell.

The door opened again, letting in Helena and Rubi, and while the first one managed some traffic with Cole, I watched and paid attention to every move of that guy...he had something strange... I didn't know why, but at the same time that he traumatized, paralyzed and scary me I was drawn by him in a way so ill, that I began to feel part of that group of crazy people.

Sunday came quickly, fulfilling my fifth day, and while the others were available to be visited by their family, or in the case of my rommates, their friends outside the center, I was not able to see anyone for a month ... according to the director, "You would not achieve any change until you felt the strong tremor of to be where you are"...nonsense.

I walked by the small garden of the place and while smelling the aroma of flowers out there, I felt the unmistakable smell of marijuana. I walked, I walked up to the gates of the bottom and I met him ... there was Cole alone. I was looking from my hiding in the wall, watching him smoke with red eyes and tears falling from them... I wondered why he had no visits.

"How long you gonna stay there?"

His voice made me jump, and distracted me by wondering from where he would come and to where he was going, and got ready to run ... feeling a chill and a total paralysis of my arm when he grabbed it and forced me to sit next to a strong and effective pull down.

"I have no family," he said, as if could read my thoughts, "I lost my wife, my daughter also".

I looked at him sadly, and I couldn't stop the curiosity grew more in me.

"Why?," I asked, pulling my arm to try to take away his cigarette: I had smoked marijuana a few times, and never had struck me...but now, trapped in his dry and fleshy lips, and cold and strong hands, seemed to have a special charm.

To my surprise, he left me to take it and when I was about to put it in my mouth, he spoke.

"This," answered regarding both, what I had in my hands as he had in his, giving me back up a bottle of beer to extinguish the cigarette that dissolved in my fingers, "Get out of here, use what remains of brain".

I got up and ran to anywhere far away, angry, humiliated, and still wondering what he meant when he spoke of his wife and daughter, had they died ...?, Had he left them?, Or worst, killed them?

For almost a week, the rush of energy and feeling to some extent, "part" of there, began to disappear: people stopped showing their friendly face, and now I could see their problems to light. I hate when Helen was descompensated, also hated every time that Gisselle's medicines stopped their effect...and hated being the only one "normal" in that group of crazy girls...It was not that I was wanting to be sick too, but because they made me believe that I will never fit in somewhere ... that never in life I would be able to mean something for someone. I needed love, was all that I was asking, I begged for it... and there was no medicine or treatment that could give me it... nor to me, nor to my roommates, nor anyone else.

Gisselle had told me her story, one day she forgot to take her medication. It wasn't very full of details, but was quite sad: she was born with multiple personality disorder, and as soon as her parents knew, they led her to a church to get exorcised and then...nothing went right. She was taken from church to church, along the country, the continent, even the world... she was from a wealthy family, and fanatically conservative Christian ...they just couldn't stand having a daughter with the "devil inside" so while traumatized her to "free her soul" the California court decided to take their custody eight years ago and put her there, "safe" until she turned twenty-one and will be abandoned to her fate.

There was also the story of Rubi, which no doubt, for me, was the most sad and shocking of all: her own father had dared to rape her since she was a child and during her teenage years everything went worse ... so she began cut, to become a self injurer and potential suicidal, and when her mother discovered what her father was doing to her, she didn't believe anything, so, both "parents", or to me "monsters", decided to intern Rubi there to save face, she was nearly two years locked up there...

Finally, there was Helena. She had always been an ordinary girl until out of curiosity, decided to join the world of drugs. Gradually lost her friends, and her mother by an accident. Today, her father was responsible for paying this place only to avoid bothering the family which he had formed with his new wife.

As the days passed, I became to feel more and more out of place. Everyone seemed so ... different ... so different to me, with strong painful stories, full of events. Karmas that were worthy of a Hollywood movie ... there are stories here that I could never have imagined, and I'm outside all this ... I feel outta place, both in my house with normal people with future, as here, with the lost, dead people without destination.

As the days passed, I began to fall into the same depression that Rubi. As the days passed, I began to want to be that medicated as Gisselle, to smile and be happy forever ... and as the days passed, I began to want more to be part of business between Helena and Cole ... each hour was more unbearable, every moment more distressing ... and every second, all I wanted was to get out of there.

One day while Helen was in detox, Rubi "busy" with a girl from another room in the bunk next to me and Gisselle, I don't know where, I collapsed.

Collapsed.

I was tired, tired, and wanted to end it all ... I missed my family too, I think that, when I compare myself to these girls, I know that my life has not been easy, but I had something they never had: my grandmother. Prue. Piper. Paige. I had all what these people were dying to have: a family and true love ... but the lack of amour-propere, was what made me deny it and be the unhappy rat who I was today. I cursed myself for not have appreciate them. I cursed myself for having thought that I was so fucking special and unique, so alone and abandoned... but then, in the other hand, I couldn't blame me like that... each persona lives their story as they feel it, sometimes our degrees of suffering and pain are low compared to others, but that doesn't mean that all that is any less real.

I got out of bed, trying not to look at the bizarre scene that Rubi and her partner were mounted on the bottom bunk opposite to mine, something that was not so easy to do when your sight was for the direct angle. I've never seen two women making out and less ignoring me like I wasn't there. I hated being ignored. I hated everyone ignore me here, and above all, that "he" ignored me.

While the two had started to accelerate more than they were, and I wondered sarcastically if they could be more noisy, I ran into the shoes of one of them and claimed in the wall with both hands, if I didn't want break my nose as I had broken Paula's.

"Are you ... okay?," asked Ruby in a gasp, and I could only nod, feeling like throwing up.

"Yes," I said clearly, and they continued into their own.

My question was answered: Yes, they could be louder. Not that I was homophobic, but never in my life had voyeuristic vein ... I didn't like to see others doing something that I couldn't for about a month.

I noticed that I had chrased Helena's locker, and also that it had been opened after that... a couple of things were on the floor. I looked at Rubi and I realized that she was too focused on their games to notice that I was about to stick my nose into Helena's stuff, and smiled. I bent down, picked up what had fallen and found what I'd been hoping to find by chance ... only to feel less psychotic.

I took the blue box in the closet, finding an endless number of tablets, sachets and things I had no idea what could be, but if I recognized something was the kit Helena used to shoot heroin... and now It was in my hands. I sat on the floor, cross legged, with the case between them and took a league that had been there ... I had seen Helena done this hundreds of times, Cole also another hundred times. I swallowed dry, waiting for someone who stopped the brutal madness that I was going to do, but it seemed that Helena was in detox, Gisselle anywhere near and Rubi least busy shouting "Don't stop."

I took off my shirt, somehow seemed more comfortable to go up the sleeves, and started the league with care in the arm, as when I went to the doctor and he drew blood. I assured it, neither too tight nor too loose: the right and necessary to be able to find my vein later ... I remembered everything I had seen done to others, and following instructions my mind began to dig my grave.

When all was ready and armed, I approached the tip of the needle in my arm and then hesitated: Where was I supposed to click? I stayed in that position, lip biting and head beating hard, dizzy, groggy, scared ... paralyzed. I shouldn't, but I was dying to try it ... to know if I feel good, free, secure and out of this hell for a moment, a second was enough...

After a few minutes, I was arrested statically, looking without seeing and do not feel: catatonic. The bedroom door opened, and this time I heard it.

"If you wanted, you should have asked me," Helena complained to me.

She looked all calm, with no trace of tears, suffering or pain ... and came with Gisselle.

"Weren't you at Alcatraz?," asked Rubi, who was now resting on her partner chests, and I, knowing her as I knew her, was sure that was only a break to start again in a couple of minutes, so they had not even bothered to re-dress.

"Yes, but you know, a couple of words and I managed to get back before they began their stupidity, and I took the time to go to solve some transactions in the discharge zone".

I frowned as I realized that I understood everything they said, recalling that at first, they spoke a language completely different to me, until I understood that "Alcatraz" was all related to the rehabilitation treatment, located in the West side and the "discharge zone" was the backyard, where everyone exchanged, bought and sold things: either among the inmates themselves and between the people outside.

"I accompanied her," said Gisselle, as sedated and falsely encouraged as always, closing the door behind her and sitting next to me "You gonna do it?"

I looked with doubt, even without moving anything more than the head and eyes. Helena sat down on my other side, and both lovers next bed also came to watch.

"Come, let me show you, or you'll end up killing yourself," snorted Helena, removing the needle and reviewing each step, smiling "Did you learn watching?"

I nodded, nervous and scared, and she gave me another smile.

"You're good, very well for your first time, now look," said taking my arm and holding the needle "When your arm is like this... You know it's perfect. Now looking for here ...," Continued, while we all put rapt attention.

I just wanted to run before anything happened, but when I got the strength to get up and go anywhere far away to reproach myself how stupid I was, it was too late.

"That easy?," asked Gisselle, who in fact had never paid attention to the whole process and it was that she needed more drugs and medications in her body.

"That easy," Helena replied, ending what was injected into the tube, and I let go of some tears of disappointment.

I stood still, without hearing a word from the others that were talking and talking. Gisselle sat beside me and leaned on my chest, and I assumed it was because she noted that was beating at a speed never before experienced by me, not even in my wildest adventures. Helena smirked and waited a bit, too willing to join my initiation into the science, while Rubi took a couple of pills of pouch and shared with the partner she had that day, because it was always a distinct, although sometimes she could repeat.

I started to feel a very pleasant warmth accompanied by an unbearable dry mouth and inability to move my arms or legs, which seemed made of lead. Everything started to move faster. Everything was suddenly and inexplicably funny, exciting. I felt an outbreak of emotion, like screaming, laughing like crazy and jump ... and I think I was doing it, didn't know how I could do so many things at once, without feeling that I was moving ... I don't know if I was really moving, if I was stood still, or if it was my imagination or not.

Gisselle was jumping, I believe she was jumping with me, while Helena was laughing out loud and Rubi and her friend had given vent to their personal party again, and for the first time in a month, it didn't disgusted me.

The light was intensely bright and attractive, and couldn't help but gape at the sight of a moth trying to accomplish something with the bulb, and amused me to hear the groans of Rubi as the tune of hits the moth was giving against the light bulb. .. it was wonderful.

Everything seemed new. I was like a newborn baby that was just beginning to see the world, to see the bright colors everywhere, even a miserable dark brown, as was the short and messy hair of Rubi.

Helena was by my side, but appeared calm, relaxed and with eyes closed ...I didn't see too much movement in her, and for a moment I wondered if she was alive or not, but I didn't care at alla; not that it was a soulless but in this state, nothing seemed important or serious. Everything wasn't worthy, even the requests and ideas that gave Gisselle to the girls having sex seemed natural to me.

I felt heat inside, and disgust when I realized that I was aroused at see them, so much that all what I needed was a guy right there, willing to help me, or a cold shower. I stared, panting and the sweat was running down my body. My nipples were tight and hard in my breasts that were just covered by my bra.

Suddenly, all my energy was gone.

I was lost now and thought that had happened so many things, many jumps, shouts, laughter, jokes ... but I remembered nothing. I had no idea how much time had passed in that beautiful dam euphoria, but I knew that was getting over and now I was detained on the floor, staring wide-eyed and feeling disgustingly wet by simply watching the lovers.

In moments, I experienced things like a dream: confusing, cumbersome, overwhelming, and my whole body and mind numb. In others I was fully awake, aware and paying attention to the show that Rubi had armed, finding myself sitting in the middle of Helena and Gisselle, who was also looking as if she had never seen Rubi and some girl having sex before.

At one point, I wiped off the map. I couldn't saw anything, I couldn't heard anything, I felt anything.

My experience ended when an uneasy feeling in my stomach made me vomit.

* * *

**Well, I have not the slightest idea of drugs or things like that, because I do not use them (yet). Everything is made of testimonials I read on internet and some other vague study...I hope I have done a good job.**

_Review(s) response(s):_

**Pholefan: **The good different? or that "my oh! you're different stay away from here!" ? lol; kidding. Humm...I think tomorrow already happened lol, but well, there's no rush, a muse appears when she has to. I'll have to wait! Thank you for reading and giving us a shot =)

**ButterflyEyes24:** Did you? I also did lol, but no, it was too soon. I hope you like this chapter! Thank you for reading and giving us a shot =)


	5. I want more

**Here's more kids =) Thank you all.**

* * *

**Chapter Three: I want more**

Today is Sunday. Nine in the morning. The sun lights up the room as much as it can through the curtains of the windows, which were closed to the outside people wouldn't see the activities taking place within the room.

I just woke to the sound of birds chirping out there and have almost no memory of what happened last night. I closed my eyes again and stretched lazily, feeling a little numb. I sat on my bed, still receiving strange and confusing waves of memories in my head, so painful that I preferred to skip.

I looked aside and saw Gisselle sleeping peacefully and sweetly, with a leg falling off the edge of the bed and her arms tucked under her pillow. Was almost uncovered, and her plump face smashed against the mattress, because she was so scattered over the pillow that was only decorative. My eyes strayed to the bottom bunk in the same cabin and saw Rubi slept soundly, she must be tired after so much buzz in the night. Once again I felt that my stomach churned when I saw her sleeping so embraced her friend, both naked yet, so I could see their bare torsos with total perfection from my point of view, which is why I stopped watching them.

I remembered everything I had felt and how I had turned on watching them in action last night, and I was disgusted, thinking about how a simple injection could change my principies and preferences... but it wasn't a simple injection as I wanted to make me believe myself to feel less bad and suspicious when the time to came down to visit my family that afternoon: it was drug ... heroin, and I liked it.

I liked a lot.

I had felt the best feelings in the world with that simple elixir. No alcohol was needed, neither Ramona, or came home after four in the morning from a party. I had not received the cries of anyone, I didn't have to be Todd's bitch to feel alive. I had not needed anything more than a little heroin, a needle, and my arm. I tried to lift up my slave to see my arm, realizing that I was still in my bra and my jeans, trying to think how I ended up in my bed last night. I watched my left litle arm, it had a small mark, almost invisible ... but that I couldn't see it, didn't mean that wasn't there, nor that all the madness of last night had not happened.

I got out of bed incredibly fast when I remembered Helena and the little bit of reaction or live she had last night, worried about having seen so still and not reacting before: if anything happened to her, I was sure it would be my fault, and couldn't live with that remorse. I sighed with relief to hear her snoring, clutching her pillow and muttering things in dreams.

I relaxed my neck, I walked to my closet and pulled out a towel to shower...I needed not to think, not wanting to torture me ... I already felt bad enough and I didn't need to keep thinking and thinking about the same over and over, and also ... well, well I was Phoebe, right?, I had not to think of anything, just go and do what pleases hit me, but for some reason, since I had come there, my rebellious spirit and my attitude of "I don't care, I do wathever I want" had been diluted to the point where now I was frightened and lost, more than ready to start a revolution: this was not the school. Here there weren't frogs, weren't teachers to piss, nor were Todd, Paula, Ramona, the other Halliwell or Andy. This was real life, and it was scary: last week a boy was killed for reasons out of my knowledge, and although I knew almost everyone had the complete and clear story, I didn't ask; I just didn't want to get involved in anything like that.

I went to the shower, sending flying all my ramblings. I think having delayed about half an hour in the relaxing and warm running water ... no girls were awake occupying the bathroom before eleven o'clock on weekends, nor had the boys awake until the same time, so I was in complete freedom and tranquility.

"Good morning," said Gisselle when I returned.

She was somewhat withdrawn, had just taken her medicines, and they wouldn't start their effect until about fifteen minutes.

"Morning," I answered with a peaceful smile, I finally was calm.

Later, after lunch, we were all ready for visitors ... all but me: I dared not look them in the face after what I had done, but I'm going anyway ... thinking of all those who had no anyone to see, as Cole.

I moved to the small room where we had to wait to be called, which brought back memories of the thousands of afternoons I had to wait in the direction in my years of school, arrested in the first semester of my senior year. I smiled anxiously, wishing that this was the waiting room to enter the principal's office, and being told:

"Phoebe Halliwell, again, your grandmother is waiting for you."

I would smile with reluctance, I would walk up there and they would give me a punishment, as I my grandmother and the principal lectured me together ... for missing classes, having skipped school, for having found kissing a classmate outside the classroom, or even inside it, calling the attention of all my classmates ... I regret having done all those things, if wans't for that, I would not be here. I'd be home.

"Halliwell, Phoebe", I was called from the door and I was shaking, "Halliwell", repeated the woman with little patience, and full of doubts and wishes not to move, I stood up so fast that I got dizzy.

The woman looked at me severely, I returned a look of hatred. I went through the door, shuffling heavily until reach a room full of chairs, tables, and people, such as films when the prisioner receives visits in jail. In the distance I saw Piper making waving her hand shyly, hardly deigning to look at me. Paige was looking down, embarrassed and to my delight, totally sober. Prue just watched my steps slow and tedious, while gramms was in her natural pose of perfection, and commanded respect, even with her warm smile and fresh attitude.

"Aloha," I said selflessly, sitting in front of them and watching them with my hands together: Bienvenue to hell.

All chanted "Hello", some more animated than others, but in the end, it was Piper who spoke.

"Pheebs hi, how have you been ...?", asked trying to aovid mourn.

I could see it in her glassy eyes and the way she bit her lips, that all the strength and happiness that had been planned at the beginning was dissolved as soon as she mentioned my name.

"Hello, good thanks, what about you?," I asked undeterred not wanting to show any emotions, because if I did, I'm sure I was ending up crying and desperate, then confessing that I felt like a little girl lost in a world of adults, and it wasn't something you would hear from me: less Prue. I'd never say I'm scared. Stupid pride.

"Missing you...," muttered my big sister, staring at the floor and playing with her feet, so low so that nobody would hear what she said, but I did and I felt comforted for a moment ... happy to know that she loved me. She still loving me.

The five of us stayed in a uncomfortable silence. Piper looked at me all nostalgic, Prue guilty, and Paige didn't dare to. My grandmother was waiting for me to break the ice, but I did not.

"I was given your report of this month," said gramms after a while.

She seemed satisfied, but a little shy like my sisters ... none of us wanted to be there, but neither wanted to fall apart and only for the sake of others.

"Oh, yeah?"

Expressing disinterest, helped a little to regain confidence, and I could see that my grandmother was exasperated, Prue getting angry, Piper sighed ... and Paige did nothing.

"Yes," she said, without giving up, she was good bearing pressure, "If you keep going, you will leave here in May".

I watched in disbelief, my gaze went from the eyes of all my sisters before meeting gramms, and they were also looking at her with the same face of "what?" I had. I mean, we meant, Was she serious?, And if she was, how could she say something like that so easily?

She returned a look peaceful, relaxed and calm. I felt like throwing chairs and tables over the ceiling of how angry I was, but at the same time I had no intention of moving ... not a little bit of strength.

"May?," I asked at last, after another killer silence, "that's in almost two months!," I yelled, and so strong that several people have turned to me with curiosity, and some visitors with discomfort.

"Are the conditions of your treatment, Phoebe," said with complete calm, rebuilding a glass wall between us, one that hurt me more than ever before in life.

"I'm behaving!", mumbled lamenting my fate, then returning to my rebellious attited in front of them "And I told you I have nothing, you know as well as I do that this doesn't make any sense and..."

I was yelling. I was not talking anymore, I was shouting now, screaming. I was complaining hysterical, like all hormonal and hateful teenager, like the girl who wanted my grandmother to see and think that was still me: strong, determined, brave. I was overwhelmed, on the verge of tears and so angry with everyone who wanted only to have Todd, Paula or the principal infront of me just to spank their heads against the ground for all this, but I was not giving gramms the pleasure to see me crying and destroyed: if they wanted me there forever, forever I'm going to stay ... or would find a way to escape and never get back home. I want them to pay for this. I just wanted them to love me, trust me and believe me, and they will never do.

I stared on the faces of my family once more before I left. Piper was biting her lip nervously, still staring blankly. Prue, looking at me emotionless, and Paige was still detained looking at a smudge on the floor. Gramms looked at me sternly, and I wrinkled my nose and squinted my eyes with resentment. And while we all had a different way of expressing ourselves, or feel at that moment, they and I knew we had a broken heart. I stood on my chair once, pulling it to one side, hearing my name from the mouth of my grandmother, who repeated tranquil and with authority:

"Phoebe Halliwell, come and sit righ now."

I was not able to listen anything else. I can't believe I had having waited a whole stupid month to get a little ... of family that did not exist, and they paid me with that. I entered the small waiting room and walked slowly up to the door leading to the central courtyard. I sobbed a little, now that the tears didn't want to keep into my eyes. Now I was crying, now I was completely weak and angry. My knees buckled, my hands took away tears claning my face of wet wildly hair and all I could do was fall to the ground.

"Shouldn't you be in visits?," asked Cole, as always, deadpan, cruel, scary.

I looked at him with disgust. We almost never talk to each other. Usually he doesn't even look at me and I do anything else than watching him and Helena get high in my room, but this time he extended his hand.

"Here, Or do you plan to stay there forever?"

I gritted my teeth, was the last straw that he made fun of me now! I didn't take his hand and stayed there, but he seemed to despair and took my arm making me stand up.

"Much better," smiled victorious, continuing his way to wherever he went.

I sobe my arm, having felt the strong grip of his fingers on it, and like a flash, the answer came to my mind: I wanted more. I needed more, and ultimately, if I had to stay two months there ... the time should worth.

"Cole!", I screamed running after him, but he didn't stop and kept walking, so I had to catch him and then keep up.

"What do you want now?," growled without looking at me, making me feel completely ignored, as usual.

"I need ... a little of ..."

I didn't know what to say, how to ask for what I needed. It was embarrassing. Cole stopped his walk this time and frowned, then he shook his head and kept walking, and I followed him.

"So you still want drugs?," asked to turn in a corner, and I felt a chill to hear the question.

The answer was yes, but it sounded as if I were one more of them ... and at the same time, as he was still underestimating me.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Ah".

He kept walking and I followed him, waiting until he gave me something or tell me what to do to get them. Forward, we walked around almost the entire first floor. We went up stairs, walked the second completely. We descend again to the central courtyard and walked to the cafeteria, we turned around. I saw him ordering the chairs and I helped him, thinking that something had to serve that whole absurd ritual. We left there, got on the cage and began to water the flowers and plants, then down again and take the same route around the campus.

As we walked, I was anxiously waiting for an answer and he was not talking to me. We arrived at the men's area, where I wasn't supposed to be and I followed him until he went to the bathroom. I snorted against the door, waiting him to appear, and he got out so fast that almost escapes me.

"Hey!," I complained, folding my arms and looking at him with an offended grin.

Cole turned around, pretending to have just noticed my presence there, as if he didn't know that I had been following him since we talked about drugs in the square.

"What are you doing here?," he asked, and walked away, probably both walked to get me riled up or lose me, I don't know.

I couldn't believe what I heard. It took me almost an hour and a half behind him waiting for a response, or something, and he was wondering what was I doing after him.

"Waiting".

"I shall not give you anything", interrupted, putting a finger in my mouth, dangerously close to my body, "I told you once, then now and I won't say it again".

He let me go of a sudden push, and I was that angry, that I remembered well the conversation we had, looking for material to rebut.

"You said "shall not be me the one who turns you into a monster", I reminded him, he nodded, "but it's late, Helena started me last night," I said proudly, showing my little mark as a war trophy, accompanied by a bright smile thinking wrongly, that I had won.

He smiled and laughed slowly, sinuously, leaving me there and walking away.

"Hey!," I complained about running after him, again, like a cat running after the smell of fish, "Now what excuse do you have?"

"Listen kiddo", he said, handing me want to beat him for the way he was referring to me, "Once it is proven ... it is like learning to walk and then say you're ready to climb the Everest: things do not work that way. Wake up and stop this nonsense, brat, focus", asked pulling me toward his body, smashing his nose against mine, "Forget about this, get out of here. Hold on two months doing nothing and leave the people like us: here there's no future, here is nothing but death, sorrow, pain and destruction. Stay away".

I stared at him like an idiot, scared at the feeling of his fingers digging into my shoulders, but I took advantage of our proximity and moved fast, and as angry as he was, Cole was distracted. So, I got the cigarette leaning out of his pants pocket. He let me go, and I turned back to leave, smiling victoriously, saving the precious little thin in my bra, I had no where else to leave it and didn't want anyone else to see it.

When I was turning a corner, a hand was put in my mouth to keep me from screaming and landed against the wall.

"Bad move," Cole told me.

I looked at him in terror, and felt my heart was out of my chest when his hand came into my shirt, under my bra, touching me careless and began to dig in.

"Naïve," he sighed when he took his hand off from my body, showing me what I had stolen a few second before, "Don't try me. I'm always one step further than you".

And as always he used to appear, mysterious and quietly, he left.

* * *

**Taran! you liked it? I hope you did! Well, next chap will have a little more about Cole. Just a bit.**

_Review(s) response(s):_

**Pholefan:** Hey sweetie! I'm so happy that you finally decided to upload one of your fics! and you didn't disappoint at all! seriously, you're doing a good joven even if you can't see it. Anyway, if you need some help and I can actually do something for you, just tell me and I'm here =). Back to my fics in spanish, I'm actually have just this Phole...the other two fics are the alternate endings of this fic (That i'm also translating to put here when the time arrives). But, I have on mind another Phole that I'll star uploading as soon as I finish writting the last chapter (it's full of flash backs, so, I have to very carefull to dont make a mess). Then, I'm writting a fic about the four sisters but it has a lot of Phole...I'm translating that after I finish it (just because, it's a fic I'm writting with another girl so...I'm not sure if we will ever finish it). Well, I stop bothering (and boring) you with this. Thank you so so so much for your reviews, time and kindness =)


	6. I need more I

**Chapter four, part I: I need more.**

I was sick of all this. Sick. I had managed to get more heroin with Helena, and was already starting to feel the need to get it at all costs...a week of pleasure sunk in a deep hell of necessity: the only catch was, she couldn't get me more without getting herself without drugs.

"I can give you to prove something else".

"Just give me something, anything", I said, needing something, anything, which I leave that ugly reality.

Today was Sunday again, and I had decided not to see anyone: if they were going to treat me like a junkie, I would give them reasons.

Helena looked at me with excitement, as Prue looked at us when she teached us to make-up years ago...when we were something different...we always had rivalry, and I always ended up fighting with her...but not at the point of our last fight...I never would have imagined that she would called me "Freebe" for a discussion. Never.

"Soft or hard?", said Helena after thinking for a while, still unable to decide on what to give me.

"Hard. The harder the better", I said, and even didn't think about it, my destroyed heart was speaking for me.

"Great", I heard screaming with excitement, biting her nails and picking through various things, until she found a small bag of white powder.

I looked at her with one eyebrow raised, I had no idea what it was or how to use it, all I had learned to do well was to inject some heroin each time I had the opportunity.

"Cocaine", said and put the bag in my hands.

"Do I have to snort?", I asked a little uncomfortable, I would have to learn another technique now: more limitations.

"Do not look me like that", she grinned madly, thrilled to teach me how.

Helena took the bag and made a tiny hole with his teeth, dropping a line across the surface of a leaf.

"Watch, repeat, and voila", what was she said, before removing some hair from her face, leaning over the leaf and cocaine, breathing hard and exaggerated.

I watched, thinking how I could do that so perfectly well, and if wasn't going to hurt.

"It hurts a little the first few times, but you will get used up, just as you don't vomit anymore after do heroin", she said, and I trusted her.

As I bent down and tried to do everything at face value, I felt an uncomfortable feeling and also some pain in my frontal sinuses, and I wondered what effect this drug would have...I knew that marijuana was a light thing and I had tried it once, and that (besides heroin) was the only thing I'd ever proved in the drugs world...but heroin was different than marijuana... it was magical ... and I hated the idea of having to replace it with this stupid cocaine.

When I had snorted everything I had to, I didn't feel much change in my mood, and the disappointment was all I had in my head now.

"Don't panic, wait and see", told me Helena and I left the room, very angry and the unstoppable need of a little injection in my arm...the left one...

I walked around the campus, doing the same circles that Cole I had walked a week ago. My feet starting to feel somewhat awkward, my vision blurred and I became to feel the excessive need to run without stopping ever. I jumped a couple of funny and short times in my place, and I felt like they made me dizzy... but I liked it. I started running at high speed, without meaning, without direction: just wanted to spend that pump energy was feeling, that was also asking me to don't stop. To don't be quiet.

I reached the boys' zone; I had been unconsciously looking for Cole. I opened each of the doors of the rooms looking for him and couldn't meet him until the last door the hall.

"Hi", I smiled, speaking with difficulty, remembering those times I had tried to flirt completely drunk.

He frowned, and dropped the book in his hands. I had no idea that he even could read, but it seemed foolish to believe that he didn't know at all.

"You don't give up easily, do you?", he said, looking at me with pity, "I persuaded Helena to don't let you shoot anymore, but I didn't think you would think to switch to cocaine".

I smiled and laughed hard. Happy, really, really happy... one way or another, he always knew everything ... How?

"Go away, I'm busy", he said, taking his book again, and I didn't heed him.

"It feels good", I said, not knowing why I shared my feelings with him, but not wanting to be quiet or stop moving in my place: the desire for activity and say everything that was going through my head was giant.

"It will feel good also when you end decompensated and screaming asking for some mercy on you, while you're feeling about to die in the detox room" he responded, without looking at me.

I bit my lip and stared at him: he was beautiful. Yes, I know he was older than me...but...Cole he was so strong ... and though he looked ill and tired, cold and expressionless, had a body...oh God..what a body...I'm sure all guys around here are envious... not for nothing you could find him exercising in his free time, it was like the only one thing (besides spend all day under the influence of drugs) he used to scape of reality.

He was not looking at me, and I jumped in my place, kinda lost and not knowing what else to do, until I had an idea: the cocaine was good, but what was driving crazy and needing a lot, had a different name: it was named heroin.

I lef his room and ran to mine. I changed my clothes to a dress that was not mine, of course, was Gisselle's, but I fit in. I ran back then, jumping staggering my feet to Cole's room, but I didn't find him here. I kicked the ground, I grumbled, but I didn't give up.

"I'm gonna find you..." I crooned, without knowing why, but now with the catchy tune in my head, spinning around endlessly, over and over ... and over ... and over and over ...

I kept running, trotting, turning and spinning, jumping, alternating my feet and playing as if I were in an imaginary small plane ... all that, and I had more energy to shout a song I couldn't recall who's it was nor what it said, but in my language of babbling was well understood.

"You again?", he said when I hit my forehead against his, with a maniacal smile and my dilated eyes.

I found him in the same place where he refuged every Sunday of visits, the same place where he had turned a beer over me and the marijuana my first week here.

"I want..."

"No", he repeated without looking at me, looking again at his book, ignoring me again.

I smiled to myself and took off Gisselles' dress and now, I was totally naked, standing in the alleyway in the backyard.

"'I'm willing to pay for it", I offered him and ran to take his face with my both hands.

I wasn't nervous at all, I was really high and just wanted more...so I kissed him. I kissed him so passionately that, for the first time since I meet him, he couldn't react as fast as he used to. His lips were dry, and rough. He wasn't joining my kiss, he was shocked. And I tried to let my tongue get into his mouth: I wanted him. And I wanted him now.

"Stop", he said throwing me away from him, making me hit the wall and encrust some bars in my back, but the pain doesn't mean anything ... I was already on, and wanted to finish what I had started.

"No", I said sharply.

I looked at him, ran fast, very fast and jumped on Cole. I felt his hands holding me strongly, he was surprised: it was just in a reflect to don't let me fall. I crossed my legs around his hips, before spreading desperate kisses in his neck as I tried to remove his shirt.

"If this is what you want", I heard him say.

I felt that he held me me from my thighs to keep me from falling from the top of him, and I held onto his neck to help also.

I kept kissing him, as desperate as if that was the last thing I would do in my life. He seemed to like it, or so I thought when noticed his lower part was protruding. Suddenly, I felt that, in a violent manner and with zero carefulness, Cole took the dress I wore before and put it over my head, dressing me and hanging me over his shoulder.

"Hey ..." I stammered confused, making a childish pout and started to shake my legs in the air, hitting his back with my fists as he walked me down the road to my room, where he threw me on my bed and then turned back leaving me alone.

The other girls looked at me curiously, while Gisselle asked me what I was doing with her clothes on. I started to talk, talk without stopping and spinning unfinished no prayer, totally incoherent.

After the shameful scandal, I had become slightly mentally sane again and could listen to Paula Marks singing me "Freebe" with the rest of her group. I cried on shame of having been so close to sell myself for drugs. I had sworn that I had no a problem and I didn't have it ... not until now, and I was embarrassed: is that not the same go and do what you want for the heck of it, to go as desperate trying to satisfy the need to be doped.

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**Okayyy...I didn't like this chapter so much...but, well...I hope I didn't dissapoint you guys! **

_Review(s) response(s):_

**ButterflyEyes24**: Aww! thank you so much! it means a lot, really! well. about his past...you'll have to wait A LOT. Actually, until the last chapter of the first alternate ending lol (like chapter 13, countint these chapters). And humm...Cole is 28 :blush: hope you don't mind! (when are you going to upload more of your fic? I want to read, please!).

**Phole: **Yayyy! thank you! I'm here to serve :B I'm looking forward to publish the second part tomorrow!


	7. I need more II

**Chapter four, part II: I need more.**

I don't know why, but I think Cole has to do with it. I just was called from the direction...two days after my failed meeting with him. Now I was waiting for the principal to speak, to say something so I can go back to my room.

"Eyes: dilated...", muttered.

She was taking notes of everything she saw in me physically, appealing to my reflexes and motor responses, which didn't work very well, when considering that I had to stop in the middle of a session of "spa" with Helena .. . or for the ordinary people who don't understand, in the process of getting high.

She spoke, wrote down things, asked me some questions and I answered vaguely, with no interest...because nothing mattered to me, but I can't deny that a sharp knife was buried in my chest when I heard the last thing she said before I left her office:

"Sorry, but the rights involve the performance of the duties", said, and I remembered my English teacher, "You have not cooperated in the workshops, have failed to sports, and you have behaved deplorably in recent weeks. I'm sorry, Halliwell, but your visits are prohibited until you return to behave well or even better when you came here".

I stood up, dizzy and my body burning with anger, resentment and pain ... now I was one more of them. There was no doubt, and if I was part of them, it was because I had been left here...locked, with these people...knowing that I had nothing more than an occasional misconduct and emotional immaturity...what finally brought me to deserve to stay in this filthy place.

I walked slowly, dazed and needing the rest of the dose that I had missed of...hum...I actually can't even remember what, because in the absence of my beloved heroine, I had been trying everything Helena could give me, and I didn't like anything enough to worry about what it was.

"What happened?", asked me my roommates full of curiosity when they saw me get into the room and I collapsed at the door, taking my head between my knees.

"No more visits", replied curtly.

They all looked at me with a face of circumstance and continued in their lives. There was anything they could do for themselves...less for me, although I knew that deep down, they regretted that when I first came I was completely normal, and now, I was all haggard, high and feeling the constant need of a bit of happiness.

"Hel ...", I mumbled talking about Helena. I had recently begun to call her like that, not wanting to give me the hard work of call her by her full name.

"Huh?", she said, focused in a puzzle they had delivered us in a workshop, that of course, I can't remember wich one or when.

"I want heroin".

"Pheebs, you know that although I want to give you, I can't ... I'm sorry", said, "Gisselle, dog in nine letters".

Gisselle closed her eyes thinking of an answer, as I looked listless and discouraged those leaning on the door of our room.

"Dog, can...quadruped!", Held to find the word, shaking her legs from the height of my bed.

Gisselle loved being in high places. Suicide tendences weren't strange talking about her, but she never dared to do anything but tempt fate.

"With C or K?"

That was the last sentence I heard from Helena and her crossword puzzle, which now shared with Gisselle. I left the door open to ventilate our room a bit and started walking, just beacuse; I had anywhere to go. From walking so much, from missing meals time lost in my euphoria, blackouts and more, I had already lost four pounds...what I considered excessive for just two weeks, taking, mentally, a note to eat better if I didn't want to join the anorexics's of the center.

"Cole ...", I prayed when I saw him sitting in the central courtyard enjoying the falling rain, totally soaked.

I hadn't realized that I was a little wet after walking around the institution, but not like him, because some parts for where I had been walking had roof. I just also realized that I had been crying since I left my room, so my voice had broken and left more pitiful than ever, and I think that's why he gave me attention.

"What happens?", he grunted, I believe he was still hysterical to remember how I jumped over him and tried to...know him better.

I walked slowly, dragging my legs, barely able to with my own body and I spread his arms, which were crossed on his chest. He didn't say a word, and I sat over him, with my legs dangling over his right leg, burying my face in his chest and hugged his neck.

He did not move. He didn't me throw off nor hugged me. Nor made a sound.

I cried so hysterically that I got a hiccup, and I felt that I was congested to be so long moruning under the cold water and even colder wind. It hurt to see in what I was turning. It hurt not being able to see my family, for becoming the monster I always refused to be and that I really hadn't been until now...and it hurt to think that everyone at home would have believed that this was me, even before I became a monster. It hurt me to know that they had not trusted me ever. That every single time they think about me, they relate me to a disaster, a psychotic, a brat, a failure…

I held more strongly to him, now that my crying was staying, but the rain began to hit us so hard that it was painful to receive drops over. I looked up furtively, wondering what he was doing, and I saw him with his eyes open, staring straight ahead ... I didn't know whether it was rain, or if Cole was actually crying. All I knew was that he wasn't looking at me, nor touching me ... just letting me hide and sit on his body.

"Give me heroin, please, I beg you", I asked in a feeble voice and I broke into pieces at my request, but wanted to disappear from the face of the earth ... wanted to feel good even a few seconds.

"Don't you realize you're destroying yourself?", he asked, and I didn't know if he was looking at me or not.

I was still hidden in his chest, warm, tepid, listening to his heart pounding.

"You are, how old?, fifteen?", he asked, and I didn't corrected him. I had not the courage to speak, "You have a family who loves you, a future ahead, and you...are throwing all straight to the trash".

"I have no one", I sobbed.

I believed what I was saying...I felt it that way: it wasn't melodrama, I acutally felt like I was alone...since the begining... since dad left me and my mother died. Prue was the oldest, totally independent...Piper was perfect in almost everything as well, and Paige was the baby of the family...I was...I just was...I was Freebe.

"You don't know what's to be alone", he said harshly, and now I was sure that Cole was crying, "you do not know what it is to lose everything. You have no idea what is, how it feels to lose your wife for being unable to recover from this shit, to lose your daughter...the person you love the most in the world ...", ended, repeating that small segment of his history without being able to say anything else.

I bit my lips. I clenched both my eyelids tightly and fists. It was the first time I saw emotion in him, or that he let me see him feeling something...and I felt awful, but I kept feeling that I had no one and nothing, so...I was sure I couldn't lose anything.

"Behave yourself, get over it. Go home and end this nightmare before it's too late" he said, getting up without tell me or warning me.

I fell to the ground, hitting my hip and shoulder when I crashed the cold, slippery ceramic.

He walked away.

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**Ok. I'm depressed. But hey! At least we proved Cole isn't a robot!**

_Review(s) response(s):_

**ButterflyEyes24:** She does? Yayyy! It's hard for me to write about Cole and Phoebe in these conditions, I can't help but feel that sometimes are a little very much out of character. About the alternate, one will be dark darker and the darkest. The another one, I'm not sure lol it's almost up to you for now; anything you'd like to see, feel free to tell me and I'll try to do it. (yayy! you're gonna upload! two? that sounds 100 times better than one! cool! thank you!)._  
_


	8. Lose yourself

**Kay kids. Here is more. I need to tell you that from now and until the end, the fic changes it rate to M. Oh, and...well...in some part, there's some Girl/girl contact so...be careful if you don't want to read it...pass it and, you'll know when to start reading again.**

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**Chapter five: Lose yourself.**

I had spent my whole day sitting on my bed waiting for Helena to return with some good stuff: the need began to be unbearable for me, and I finally understood all the times I saw her shaking, mourning or vomiting when it the transactions taken more time than the expected.

"I'm late, but here" said entering the room, where there was no one else than us at that time.

Rubi was in one of her sex parties in the next room, and Gisselle had accompanied her to prevent her to die when the influence of alcohol made her start cutting herself and bleeding.

"Did you br...?"

"No Pheebs", she interrumpted me, "as I have told you thousand of times: no", said a little tired, and I felt sicker asking her the same thing every day, and that the main addict looked at me with pity when refused.

"I hate that Cole had convinced you", I complained and kept putting some stickers on the birthday cards I was decorating.

I had offered to do little cards in the "discharge zone" as a paid job to afford to buy my own drugs...but wasn't enough money to buy the hard ones, so I had to settle for small things that insted of make me happy, soothed me.

"Easy, keep putting Mickey Mouses' faces on that cards" said laughing at me and my poor talent to decorate such things.

I just sighed, resigned.

"Letter!, Letter!" she yelled and I jumped from my cabin to get close to her and read what it said.

Every week, we received a little resume of what was happening in the center. It announced a restructuring in the schedules, the scores of sports teams, when would be the plays, how had gone to the chorus group on their competition, and an endless list of things that didn't interested me at all...until I got to the visist permits, anxious to find my name on those authorized to receive visitors: today was Sunday, and was dying to see my sisters.

"No permission?" Helena asked, watching my glazed eyes and saw me hit the door with fury when I left our shared room.

"No permission!" I shouted once out, running to where should be Rubi with the group of jewels.

I found them all dressed yet and only drinking and dancing, while the sweet and innocent Gisselle managed to serve the glasses, playing the waitress .. . acting like a little girl, always, perhaps by having suppressed normal patterns of conduct.

"Rubi, we need to talk" I asked, almost giving her an order, which surprised her.

"Be right back," she said to her group standing up, sending a general kiss floating in the air and went out to talk to me.

"You know everything," I began to tell, and she smiled with false modesty, "I need ... I need to know if any of your girls...some of them...do you know if any of them can help me to get money, drugs, or a way to get them?"

"What about sex for drugs? ", she asked, almost excited, clapping slowly to her new idea.

The question took me by surprise and I mentally asked myself how vulnerable I looked and how predictable I was. My brain hurt, my eyes burned and my heart beat painfully, and on an impulse, though I knew that when the time arrived I wouldn't be able to, I nodded, because the anger, rage, pain and frustration were speaking. Not me.

I needed to break free, get away from the world, away from reality, fear, pain...In this place I had no access to my crazy parties with the gang, or the long sessions of sex with Todd, or humilliating Ramona...I couldn't make fun and dirty tricks to science club. All what I had, was drugs, and the only way to get them, besides money, was sex.

"Yes," I said.

She made a gesture of hope and closed the door behind her, leaving me out.

I was mad, made a whirlwind of emotions, thinking about trying to cut myself as Rubi, might be interesting... she always says it feels good. I was sinking in that institution. I was more lost than I could ever have thought.

My mental ruminations were interrupted abruptly, because the door opened so fast that I almost screamed of surprise as I felt the excited voice of my roommate.

"Charlotte, Phoebe. Phoebe, Charlotte," said pushing a blue haired girl, who must be about twenty years old and I had seen several times in our room with her.

"Hello," she said, and Rubi tangled her fingers in my hand and in Charlotte's, leading us to the room where Helena was still sorting and classifying materials.

I figured that this girl had to know the system and be responsible for helping me find someone who would really pay me after sex and not use me without giving me my money. I don't know much about the boys from the center, and had no idea if I could trust them or not.

"Work now, pay later", said Rubi, and returned to her strange world, leaving me there with that girl that leagues could see, was drunk.

Charlotte's eyes lit as soon as Rubi closed the door behind her, as quickly that I didn't realize when her lips crashed into mine.

I was confused. She had thought I meant "that" kind of sexual intercourse? I was petrified. Still, as a figure of ice, something she didn't seem to care or bother to continue her purposes.

She put her hands under my shirt, and ran down my back with her soft and delicate hands, the hands of a woman effortlessly undoing my bra with the expertise that only another girl could possess. That reminded me of the first times with Todd, and a chuckle escaped me thinking how much it he had put to unzip it on his first attempt, and had ended up being me who had had to remove herself until he learned without tangle.

My shirt falling to the ground next to the famous bra, were the things that brought me back to the reality in front of me, even when it was so unappealing.

I looked at Charlotte and she looked me in the eyes, but she was focusing her entire view on my breasts. She seemed to love them, and stared as if she had never seen a pair in her life, something that I knew was not true. She smiled to herself, still looking at me with lust and depravity, taking off her own shirt in one swift movement, which I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't now, another pair of breasts in front of me instead of a flat strong torso.

Her small curves struck mine when she returned to capture my lips, burying her hard nipples against me my breasts. I let out a moan, upset and scared, but I couldn't move an inch from my position. I was still holding my breath, and though my brain didn't process anything that was happening and was as slow as ever, Charlotte held a very impressive speed and as she kissed my neck, was unbuttoning my pants.

A shiver ran through me when her hands slid under my underwear and slipped it from my hips to my feet, leaving me completely naked in front of her.

Warmth came over my body, but it was not "that" kind of heat, but shame and despair. I had no idea what I was doing, and couldn't understand why I wasn't stopping her if in fact, I didn't want to do it. I shouldn't, it was crazy!, But ... my body, more than my body, my mind, was begging me for drugs ... my broken heart didn't want to bleed more to beat and was also asking me drugs.

This was the only way to get them.

I had tried many. Many of them and now I was in need of heroin so desperatly, as if my life depended of it; I had taken the first step to the abyss of destruction and incoherence in the shot that Helena gave me some time ago, and now, I wasn't giving anything more than the second step to stop right in front of the entrance to the door of doom, and see that there was no turning back.

I breathed deeply, trying not to freak out and I saw that Charlotte was crouched down with one hand on my hip and the other down his own skirt and now we were on equal situation. Her undressing process was much faster, considering that she had nothing underneath her shirt and skirt, I suppose, to save time, if her original idea had been to participate in the orgy of Rubi. She got up and looked into my eyes, cutting me off breathing again. Those sick eyes said more than she might have thought. I gulped and felt my chest was compressed to have breathed again without exhaling, and if I didn't throw the air to notice, was because Charlotte took me by the waist and with a strenght powerful enough to take the dead weight and stiff muscles of a body in panic and mental breakdown. She crawled me to the bed, where dropped me.

I gave a sharp yelp when her hands held me from my thighs and I drove up, leaving me half-sitting with my back resting on the top of the bunk: it was the end.

I wanted to close my eyes and wait for it to happen, but I had no idea what was supposed to happen. I had never kissed a woman, or anything similar, and though I had seen Rubi with her friends at other times, it was still strange, unsettling and unpredictable.

I kept my eyes open.

Helena said nothing, and now seemed to have left the room, leaving me all alone with that girl. My heart stopped beating when Charlotte separated my legs and wrapped hers around my waist.

Digusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.

I want to run off. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't.

I heard her moan when she felt my intimacy touching mine, and I don't even had time to think about what was missing in that interaction; that "something" that used to erect in that situation, because now all what I wanted was run and scream, but I was trapped: physically and mentally helpless. She removed the hair on my face with a gentle motion. Her chest rose and fell with excitement, and her smalls and almost inexisten breasts moved to bar the entry and exit of air from her lungs. My own rib cage was also going on a infarct speed. Adrenaline and stress were one with my body. My mind was blank, and in my head, were spinning two words: escape and heroin.

The fingers of my feet were curled on the duvet, but my legs were weak and somewhat numbed cause of the crushing weight of the electric blue haired girl. My back was tense, stiff and sore, and the wooden board of the bed was buried in my neck, and even of that way, I couldn't move. I was a prisioner of terror, fear and a mental discusion: part of me said me that I had to participate if I wanted to get a good pay, and the other hand, said that all this was a stupidity about the size of Manhattan and to get out of there: I didn't obety to any of them, just remained quiet.

Charlotte cleared her face of hair and also mine, with a gentle caress of her left hand on my cheek of the same side, sliding it on my neck, touching my collarbone and outlining one of my breast before touching with the tip of her finger, its nipple, wich began to harden involuntarily. I swallowed and omitted any sound of horror, and she smiled at the reaction of my body at her touch. Her belly was getting hotter, as all her skin, and I could feel Charlotte burning me all over with her body. I tried to be one with the bed. I arched my back so much that my bones were showing. I could see that now, Charlotte put her mouth on the small button she just hard on me. Her tongue was surrounding my nipple, and her free hand began to play with the other. I felt disgust, deep disgust. Nausea, embarrassment, humiliation. I was a slut, totally a bitch, I distressed to know that I will have to live with this memory forever. Knowing that for needy, weak, sick, I had a woman (who I didn't even know) biting and licking me, without suppressing any single moan of pleasure.

I had no strength to fight my own head, and I just gave up to my destination: what had to happen, was going to happen. Most likely at the same time, the worse thing that could happen was that I let her rape me, to put it in some way; I don't think she was too aware that I didn't want to do it, and I guess she couldn't guess if I didn't resist. But it's fine, I guess: my body was never something that people respected so much, and from now, it worth nothing.

Charlotte must have thought was enough for one side, and both breasts deserved the same attention, so she changed her mouth and hand, repeating the same exercise as before in both hardened nipples. I can't resist the urge to vomit, especially to see how my body betrayed me and made her believe I was enjoying all that she was doing.

I thought about the time I had spent suffering from every person that called "Freebie", saying I was a slut. For every boy who ever had tried to molest me ... and I think that if I had known I was going to end up being what they all said I was, I could have saved many tears and nights of anguish. I was all that the others had seen in me, with the detail that I had always thought I was a better person than I was. That I had more hope than I really had, and that one day I could try to be at least 1% of what my sisters, my mother or my grandmother were.

But I was wrong.

I was wrong, and now I was prostitute myself for a shot, that would do anything but provoke me the greatest need of get more. To make me prostitute again, and, start a cycle that would never end.

Charlotte went up to my mouth and kissed me. i didn't respond. She unrolled her legs from my hips, allowing mine again with a painful and annotying tingling product of the numbness, and I let my legs drop: closed, and heavy on the mattress. She ignored that, and licked my lips to start building a path with her tongue.I felt her warm mouth muscle past my chin, stopping at my neck, running my ribs, making a circle around my navel, with total dedication. I felt cold when she changed her warm mouth of place, causing me goosebumps and making my nipples began to ache product of the shrinkage.

She stopped four fingers under my navel.

I started to sweat. I was no longer frozen and petrified, now I was hysterical, frozen and petrified.

She sat on the bed cross-legged, and took each of my ankles to open my legs wide, more than before. I moaned scared, wondering what was going to do next, and I contracted my body when I felt her palm over my cover my crotch. She smiled before licking her lips in a gesture that gave me nausea, and tried to introduce two of her fingers. I sank my stomach, clench my fists and prayed. I saw her frowning, and some disappointment on her face when she realized she couldn't acces, and that I, besides of being completely dry, was closed and tense.

There was no way to break into me, except if she decided to force me.

I sighed relieved when I felt she closed my legs, thinking, naively, that she had given up. She looked at me giving me understanding, and I don't know why I didn't punch her nose, who the hell she thought she was to look at me like that? She took my two hands to put them on her tiny breasts. She guided me with her own hands, trying to make me squeeze and press, trying to make me pinch her nipples, but it was definitely, something I didn't want to do. I thought she was going to give up this time, now that everything seemed to fail in our "relationship", but again, I was wrong. She got back to her tongue game where she left it off, going up to my lips, breaking into my cavity without anyone's permission. She saw that I wasn't following her game (for the thousandth time), and that I was nervous, but I seemed to have become her personal challenge, and I knew she wouldn't let me go that easy.

"Look", she whispered in my ear, taking my hand gently.

I swallowed hard, and I had no time to think about anyone or anything and all my mental wanderings were flying when I felt the wet destination where my hand reached. I uttered a groan of disgust to feel my skin against her, but everything seemed to indicate that she misunderstood, or failing that, wasn't interested in my opinions or feelings about the subject.

She smiled with lust. More than ever, seemed really out of her mind. Suddenly, I had my fingers inside of Charlotte, a place that looked like a dirty water source. I heard her moan and sigh, also try to make my fingers move inside her, moving my wrist with her own hand.

I wanted to vomit. I sobbed and I realized I was crying.

I closed my eyes to this unpleasant sensation, but also to another: suddenly, my hands were no longer clinging to the sheets or bathing in Charlotte, and my neck had stopped running into the cabin. I Was in the air, literally was flying, fastened from my waist by two big and strong hands that left me sitting on my bed.

I was confused, frightened, and had no idea what the hell was happening now. Those hands...they were not a woman's, that was the only thing I had for sure.

"Go" I heard a voice grumbling, and I recognized Cole, noticing that was he who was holding me from my waist to prevent me from falling, though I was sitting on my bed.

I opened my eyes, still covered with tears and I saw Helena at the door with a circumstance's face. She had gone for Cole, I don't needed to ask. Charlotte ran past her, with her clothes made a ball in her hands, leaving our room as quickly as possible; for some reason, Cole imposed control over many people in that place and now, he seemed wild and furious. I noticed that his chest was bare and had a belt outlining his left biceps, causing several green and blue veins mark clearly on his arm and the hand that was holding me. I looked a little further and saw that he had an empty needle in his another hand. Cole looked at Helena, and she didn't hesitate to obey the visual instruction, pulling something out of my locker and coming to us.

My heart was beating at high speed and could barely breathe, smothered and stunned. I had a horrible headache, felt nauseated, trembled a little and my temperature wasn't normal: were abstinence symptoms. I knew there I hadn't been so long in the drug dependency to develop as fast physically, but it was my head, my mind asking me for more...were symptoms of a riped heart expounding without control.

"I hate to see you like this Pheebs", said Helena, and without warning, I felt a pricked in my arm.

That delicious pleasure started to spread for my body in a way as fast as the way in which Cole responded to the effects of his own shot, which had to have been administrated at the time that Helen had gone to fetch, otherwise, I couldn't explain the syringe in his hand. I closed my eyes and I felt he let it fall to the ground, using now his free hand to get me closer so that his shoulders were glued on my belly, working as a barrier to avoid me from falling towards on the floor beside the empty syringe. Now, he held his hands over my waist, but his fingers tangled in the roots of my hair behind my neck. He pull my face to his abruptly, making my back arch in a very painful way and, suddenly, he kissed me.

I would never have expected something like that from him, at least at that time. I felt that Helen took the empty syringe from my arm, which I had completely ignored thinking that I could die with a silly smile in my face now that I had my two guilty pleasures on my scope: heroin and Cole.

His kiss became more intense, but also more violent. I was out of control under the euphoric effect of heroin while he was digging my knees on his chest and didn't care, but I knew they were hurting, perhaps not as much as the way that my spine was bending, but enough to he got tired of that position. He grabbed my thighs, burying his fingers regardless if it hurt or not, separated me from my bed. He changed his mouth of place, bringing it to my breasts and going straight to bite, as I sat on the ladder we had to get on and off the beds above, but we had never used.

Now we were almost at the same height and, he was trying to unzip his jeans.

I still frozen like an idiot. Paralyzed, but happy. I was arousing dincredibly fast: more than with the scenes between Rubi and her lovers, even more than when I was with Todd, because the effect of drugs taking control over our bodies was taking us to a path from which escape was impossible, as everything in this place. But, wasn't all credit of heroin, no sir: Cole was extremely sexy, handsome, ardent, serious, mysterious...perfect...I felt his teeth digging into my breasts, pulling my nipples as he didn't know it was hurting, but I didn't care, because his rebellion and the way he ignored me, pathetically, liked me.

I like Cole.

His face was always sad and tired. Circles under his eyes were always present, and purple. His hands were rough, but hot and experts, despite all his aggressiveness, which could be understood: I hadn't had sex in several weeks, and was getting crazy. And Cole, being here for years without a partner...must be desperate. As I am.  
I heard the clang of the buttons on his jeans hit the floor, and the electrical impulse that caused me the unexpected meeting of our tongues, was what gave me the courage to bring my hands to his hips and help remove his underwear.

And now, we both were naked.

Neither of us could speak. We had hardly enough air to cope with so much energy, lust and euphoria, and he didn't let me touch or seize, or even look closely at what I had just released of the red boxer. Cole took me back, keeping my legs apart and rising me in the air. He walked a few steps without stopping sucking my right breast. I had my arms tangled around his neck, struggling not to fall, he had no care, and moved me around the room like if I were a rag doll. I saw him grope with his foot if he had or not espace to sit on the floor. His strong hands which held my thighs, now had grabbed me by my back. I didn't understand the change of position until I realized that he needed my legs wide open and my vagina as accessible as possible, so that at the same time he sat on the floor, he could drop me by a violent blow on his penis, incredibly accurate.

I screamed as loud as I had not ever done before and I buried my brittle and weak nails into his back, feeling him bleed. I buried my head also on his muscular neck and bite his shoulder in proportion to the pain of the penetration. Instant tears fell fast, direct to my lips, and I could feel the taste of salt. Although I was not a virgin, couldn't be wetter and Todd was also good in bed, he was a mere teenager ... while Cole. .. he...he was a real man. He had much more experience than Todd and I together, and knew exactly what he was looking to approach me: end at his own pleasure.

He didn't wait one second to my my body to get used to his brutal invasion, and while was still busy with my already sore breasts due to the force used to suck and bite, he began to push his hips up and down, trying to get in and out as much as he could without my help. He had his eyes closed at the time, and I thought that the marks of the bruises from his fingers buried in my hips and my bust would take a long time to heal, also in how was I going to wipe the blood of his back, my nails and falling down my legs from the carpet. Then, I realized I didn't care, because I still had my nails embedded in his back, and was tearing at the intense pain that caused his onslaughts.

I heard him moaning, making sounds between each jump and I was trying to stop sobbing, to relax for the penetrations to ache less; be this tense only was making me feel like I was being ripped in two. He seemed not to mind, but I knew that if I asked him to stop, he wouldn't hesitate a moment but stop: but I don't want him to.

I closed my eyes, thinking of him, smelling his neck and registering his scent in my deepest memory, allowing me to feel the texture and dimension of the member of my lover, and little by little, I began to arouse more: I was having sex with a guy older than me for almost ten years, who was or had been married, and has or had a daughter. I was sharing my body and soul with a stranger, which in a normal situation I would never been interested in because of his age, but it worth. I began to relax my hands, my jaw, my legs, my all: After my meditation, that I knew were just sick and morbid thoughts that I had no problems to develop, putting forward my deep need to lubricate more, I succeeded.

Now the pain was leaving. His onslaughts were getting faster, and it wasn't only pleasant for him, but at last, for me too, evidence of this, was that I didn't need much time to feel an incredible surge of pleasure born from the pit of my stomach that made me gasped the name of Cole, while the electrical nerve impulses sent the message to my brain to create a physical reaction which made his knowledge to feel that his member covered with my very first orgasm.

Now I understood why men liked sex so much: because they always came, and if my memory doesn't betrays me, Todd had always managed to finish without letting me enjoy this wonderful feeling, making me wait for him to rest until he could ride me again . I felt like a freak to know that Cole would end after me, that was all too new and didn't know if that could make him get mad or something. What comforted me was hearing a groan scraping his throat, immediately joining mine, and while I was touching the heaven, his movements stopped and he also reached the climax, exploding inside of me and holding my two breasts with uncontrolled force; hurt, but not enough to distract me from the intense pleasure that ran my body from head to toes.

We stayed quiet for a moment, sitting on the floor and still united, but I was incredibly aroused, more than ever before and started to move in circles to urge him to return to work. I didn't continue to allow him control my body and my mind: this time I wanted to be the queen and as I watched him gasping, barely controlling his breathing, I could felt him began to hard again, but not was fast enough for me.

I decided to take things into my own hands, literally, and hold from his base, the little part that was out of me of his still weak erection to keep it firmly in its place. He seemed surprised to feel my hands between the union between him and me, but did anything to stop me but gasp. With my right hand I hold and stroke his penis, and with the left I squeezed and made pressure on his testicles, accompanied both incentives with sensual and tempting moves.

The first seconds it didn't have much effect, but I didn't give up: for the first time I wanted to lead, and had the courage to do it now that he could barely breathe without difficulty, a disadvantage that just found in that man, was that he doesn't recover as fast as the boys of my age: but it was worth waiting a little. I knew it. And I confirmed to feel that little by little, he was hardening and increasing his size inside.

It didn't take too long for him to encourage and join my hips, continuing the compass I was setting and we were creating together: a perfect rhythm of movements, grunts and groans.

While I had my eyes open and enjoyed every movement from him, in addition to mastering the situation, Cole seemed to look anywhere except my eyes, concentrated on going as fast, wild and strong as possible. I felt I could no longer bear, and was going to end up going crazy from so much pleasure with so much pent-up energy in my body and between furious onslaughts that despite being fast, were very deep, although it is still painful, were inexplicably pleasurable and exciting

After ten minutes or so, time where I had no idea what happened with my soul, I tried to breath normally again. I opened my eyes, and could see Cole leaning against the bed. He had his eyes closed, and still inside of me: we had reached the part where the effect of heroin was over and made our energy go and now, it was all a strange dream...coming and going...mixing with reality.

It had been our first time, and a spark of hope grew in my heart, feeling protected and cared for him, remembering that he was who had saved me from Charlotte, also thinking to thank Helena for bring him here.

"I thought you weren't going to be quiet", said Gisselle, eating chips on her bed without any of the two of us realized that they had arrived. Rubi also was there, talking to Helena.

I realized that for me, everything had happened incredibly fast since I read the letter, but when I looked the clock, I learned that that had happened three hours ago. Sometimes, anger could make the concept of time and space different, and both, preliminary with Charlotte and Cole's games before penetrating and mine to make him do it again, had been longer than I could perceive.

Cole opened his eyes to hear the voice of Gisselle and shifted a little, still inside: we both noticed we were dead tired, but not satisfied yet and wanted more...or at least, that was what our confused and troubled minds, still out of control and consumed but the effect of drugs, were asking us.

"These kids aren't satisfied with two rounds", said Rubi, looking at Helena with a complicit smile.

Helen stood up and rummaged thorugh her stuff, while Rubi tended us a bottle of beer.

"We want to see more!", cheered Gisselle, with her typical innocent voice, while Helena put something into our mouths and Rubi made us swallow with the help of the alcohol.

Within a few minutes we started to feel like our bodies were full of energy again and returned to arouse, not paying attention at how tired we were: we needed more, and we were ready to stay together all night long.

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**Do not kill me please. I had NEVER write something like this before and was REALLY HARD. I'd use some help anyway heheh to correct it. **

_Review(s) response(s)_:

**Pholefan:** Oh I know! but don't worry, it's getting sadder. Thank you for your help and time! I love you! :D


	9. Cold awakening

**Thank you guys for reading. This chapter is dedicated to both, Pholefan and thetempest, you're amazing.**

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**Chapter six: Cold awakening.**

I opened my eyes, much more energizated than when it closed them for the last time, although exhausted, and couldn't understand why.

"Hey, you're awake again. Good morning sleeping beauty", Gisselle laughed with a sweet voice.

I saw her ordering her dresses for the thousandth time, which were all what she wore, and used to be extremely manic in reference to its washing, ironing and order.

"Morn..." I began to say, somewhat confused yet, but something interrumped my cordial greeting.

I opened my eyes so much that couldn't understand how they didn't get out of my sockets. I did't move, I didn't want to move a single inch, because I was just identifying that I was sitting on something or, actually, that I had "something" inside of me.

Flashes, shots of fast moving images, onslaughts, feelings, pills, shots, crying, pain, orgasm, lights, dizziness, whining, bites, scratching, moanings, kisses, pinching, and memories that seemed to compete to get to my brain befor the others, made me remember everything that had happened since I had gone to seek help from Rubi, to know that, without need to look back or down, that I was over Cole.

He was still asleep, sitting on the floor with his back attached to the wall, while I had mine on his chest, both heads leaning against each other. My fingers were entangled in his and our hands rested on my lap. We kept naked, cornered between the door and one of the beds.

I wondered if Cole didn't feel his legs numbed or something to keep me up and with a no small detail in my interior, and although I had no answers about it, I noticed that my partner should be having those kind of dreams you don't share at the morning, because he seemed pretty hard... not as much as yesterday's onslaught, even not enough to start again, but enough for me to notice he was horny.

Gisselle, Helena and Rubi laughed at my face and total disbelief at the events, as well as make me feel ashamed to note that I was naked in front of them, and with Cole in, also in their presence ... but I guess after seeing the show we did last night and that we have lost the count on our fourth time, there was nothing that I could hide.

"Little slut, you guys are such a pair of animals", Rubi told me and seemed a compliment, but for me it was still weird and embarrassing.

The girls laughed making my headache became stronger. Gisselle emited mischievous giggles, which to be heard during a dark night in a maze, would have terrified me. Helena approached Rubi pretending to be Cole behind me and both began to imitate us obscenely, making me blush even more.

"More!, Cole!, Yes!" , Rubi groaned, making a face of excitement and jumping on her bed.

"Ah, ah, ah...", Helena answered with a hoarse voice and breathing hardly, trying to imitate me and with her eyes closed, swaying to the rhythm of Rubi.

I was dying of shame, looking for somewhere to hide forever, watching them pretend to be us so hard, that I have no doubt that our night of sex was really powerful. The girls were making guttural sounds too real to not bother me, and I had to admit that they were good imitators, at least Helena sounded a lot like Cole, and now I saw Rubi licking Helena's fist as she rolled her eyes.

Oh my God, Did I...?

I felt his breathing began to accelerate, stop being a gentle and quiet breath on my neck. The little party the others were doing was waking him up. Cole removed below me, like trying to identify where he was and as soon as he did, separated his hands sharply from mine, putting them on the floor, right next to our legs. He stood up, regardless of whether I was sitting on him and needed to stand before him or falling, so fast that I don't know how I managed to get my hands on the floor and avoid to end up with my face on the ground, nearly in a downward dog position.

I jumped to stand up and tried to cover my body with my hands, thinking that the position I was left wasn't the most suitable to hide my wet and aching intimacy of the gaze of the others. I preferred to face him rather than show him my back, and stood beside my bed, but couldn't help but look directly to his member. I thought that if that in front of me was what had been in and out of me between my legs incessantly for hours, I felt quite natural to feel so sorely cramped, tired and my limbs wavering in my attempt to keep stood on my two feet.

He was in his world and didn't notice my eyes scanning what used to be an erection the night before, or maybe he did, but gave no importance to the fact. He took his pants, put them quickly, cutting my subject of study and my attempts to recall if it had really been in my mouth or not, and used his shirt to wrap his shoes, underwear, belt and some of his merchandise before slam the door and leaving.

He did not say goodbye to anyone.

He didn't look at me.

His indifference completely destroyed me. He was gone. He had used me all the fucking night and then left , as if I were only a body without a soul that had given him pleasure that no one else had for a long time. He had only seen Freebie, like everyone else.

I fell to the floor and clenched my fists, trying to don't start snobbing without much success. I felt disgusting to remember Charlotte sucking my breasts, trying to dig her fingers and then putting mine on her. It made me feel disgusting to think about how Cole and I had ended having sex, the way I had given him my body, when him from the beggining did nothing but go fast and furiously, without thinking in anything than as deeper as possible, regardless of whether it would hurt me or not, or whether I was enjoying the contact. I was nauseated by the fact of having no doubt that not only had his penis in my vagina, but between my breasts and for the first time in my life, my mouth: we had been really wild.

I was a mess.

Although, I couldn't deny that he had also allowed me to use him for my own purposes, and was responsible for my first single and multiple orgasms...because his mouth and his tongue knew exactly where and how to touch me, and his fingers where to get and how to move: He had touched me as no one had ever done in my life, and as I was sure, nobody would do again.

I thought in how many times we finished, either together or separately and increasingly understand how much exhaustion, plus the power of the d rugs that our friends had given us. But if something came suddenly, like a bucket of cold water on my body on fire, was the fact of realizing that neither of us had taken the time to use protection, even once, and that, frankly, terrified me . I had never in my life had sex without a condom, and maybe it felt better, but that was not the point.

"Why are you crying?", Gisselle asked me with a sad smile, coming to me and hugging on the floor like a little girl.

"You've just discovered and probed that he is not gay," said Rubi like if was a sin to be, and it seemed so strange from her when she herself was...

"Consider yourself privileged, he has never had anything with anyone who isn't about twelve hours to leave this pleace and you both spent all night together", Helena encouraged me, wiping her hand from the saliva that Rubi left on her hand.

I didn't know whether to feel flattered, or more whore and shit than I was feeling now. I had insisted him that much for a little drug, that as soon as he could, and without asking, he just came to me and used my body until he got tired. And then left. And I...what a stupid! I let him do it...

Now, I feel vulnerable again. I feel idiot and raped for the scond time in less than forty-eight hours, but couldn't deny that the pleasure and happiness we shared the night before, had been unique in my short life."What's wrong?", Gisselle asked, stroking my hair and covering my naked body with her pastel pink jacket, disarming the perfect combination between it and her dress.

I bit my lip, and tried to stretch the jacket over my back and hips, in a to cover myself a little.

"If it gets dirty or wet, It washes. Semen stains out with water", Gisselle said softly, referring to her jacket and my attempt to cover myself with it and I felt invaded by shame again, and more and more hysterical.

"Did...did you see if... "I tried to ask, avoiding the previous comment Gisselle made and concentrating on the important, but Helena interrumped.

"Didn't see? I saw it all, and in the front row!", Helena clapped, who for some reason seemed very happy to see me with her longtime friend.

Rubi gave her a look of disapproval for insensitive and Gisselle urged me to keep talking with her understanding and soft look.

"Protection", I said at last, in a faltering, "...somewhere, at some point, did we use?" Asked biting my lips incredibly strong, thinking it was all part of a bad dream and would work like a pinch to wake me up.

"No".

"Nope".

"No".

Responded the three, almost at the same time.

I threw my head back, completely frustrated and angry with myself: I didn't know anything about Cole's sex life, nor about his health...What if he had any illness?...Not for anything he always used his own syringe and not just because Helena had given me my own, as she also had. She said that was to prevent transfer anything...What would happen if "anything" was a disease which that I could never escape from? And, What if Cole had AIDS or something worse? ... if there was something worse, of course.

I could hear my gramm's voice telling me "If you are going to have sex, please, use a condom. Protection darling, be safe. Reponsible with yourself".

I was disappointing her again.

As always.

"Well, if you are pregnant we will be happy with a nephew", Gisselle encouraged me, still holding me from the back, forcing my legs to get her hand to my belly, touching it with an excited smile, as believing that I really had a little something growing there.

I opened my eyes to its maximum expansion and hit the floor with a punch that hurt me more than it. I began to cry, or rather I kept doing it, but now audibly ... I had not thought of that before, what if she was pregnant with Cole's child?, What would that baby do with a couple of parents like us?, Both sick, both addicted, both crazy...his "father" felt nothing for me, and I...I was all alone, I just was seventeen for God's sake! And my life was a total failure, what would I do with a baby? What would I do with a life depending on me?

"You're not allowed to abort here", continued Gisselle, still caressing my belly as if that would give me any peace

"Don't panic,"suggested Helena, filing her nails on her bed, "Wait a while, we'll know if you're expecting or not in one month or so, but I think it would be too much bad luck...anyway, if you're definitely pregnant, are your parents who decide whether you stay here or go back home, so, well, relax".

It seemed that the more they talked, the more anxiety gave me and my desire to die increased. And the more I reviewed their words, more fear, terror and panic I felt...My parent. My parents were the ones who decide, but what parents? I had no parents!, The only person in my life was my grandmother and...I can't give her more disappointments. I can't bear to appear in the principal's office and see her for the first time after weeks, only to tell her I was pregnant with a guy ten years older than me, married with a daughter, who I had no idea who he was except that he was being a drug addict for more than six years.

I can't tell her that.

I can't... Why didnt' I think it before?, With what face would I look my sisters after this?, With what face would I look at my own child when he was old enough to understand how, where and under what circumstances, it was conceived? Wouldn't take it so much time to realize that the concept of its existence was completely wrong: the baby was a mistake, it was something that never should have happened, and even illegal.

I felt so many mixed feelings and disappointment product of the attitude of Cole. I fell asleep in tears, sobs and nervous shaking, with a thousand questions haunting my mind.

Later I woke up, feeling the jolt of Helena, who seemed to come up with something to say.

"I met Cole in the backyard," she said taking my hand to help me to stand up, because I was still on the floor since last night, with nothing but Gisselle's pastel pink jacket covering my hips.

"Did he say anything about me?", I asked, still sleepy, tired from the emotional release and rubbing my eyes.

I noticed I was covered in dried sweat, and my crotch was slick with my own fluids and semen: the bath was an urgent need. I went to my locker looking for a towel and something to use, although I seemed to be getting used to being naked around the room.

"Said you need to keep these", she smiled, showing me a box of condoms, which put in my locker, "He said if you were going to be that easy, you were going to need these things handy".

"He said what?" I shouted, unable to believe what I was hearing, and pulled my hair out cause the pain, shame and how stupid I was

Why didn't I think that before?, Now he thought it was about to come and go, come, come and go, like if I were his personal bitch...as if we were Todd and Freebie...now I realized that real world has a lot of school, and everywhere people treat you the same way. People will talk to you and treat you deppends the vision they have of you, and... of me, all had a common vision : Easy and needy.

Freebie.

"Calm down", Helena warned me, before I could remove all my hair from its roots, "I know that sounds harsh, but...I mean, is the symptom of apathy caused by addiction that makes him cold and somewhat bitter" she explained, and a suddenly, I felt better.

"Do...you know, do you know if he...if Cole has any contagious disease...or...?," I ventured to ask after several seconds of hesitation.

"Was that what worried you?", she replied with a sad smile.

I nodded as a child when my grandmother promised me that the Woogyman would never attack me at night if I turned on my small flashlight and, suddenly the world was solved with a small lightest flash...I would give anything to go back to that time.

"No", she said, also deciding what to wear after showering; while I had been there sleeping on the floor, they had gone to basketball practice this morning, "I don't know, actually," she corrected.

The smile that had formed on my face without notice, had dissolved that fast that even had hurt.

"Aren't you his friend?" I asked, putting all my will in not yelling something that I would regret later, or that wasn't entirely true, as saying it was her fault that I couldn't spend more than a couple of hours without something to snort, inject or swallow...which we all knew, especially me, was not true.

I was my fault. My decision.

"Yes," she said, choosing what she would wear later, "But he doesn't tell anything to anybody, his life is his private secret ... I've known him for almost ..."

"Six years", I said, recalling the amount of time to hurry her speech.

"Exactly", she smiled , "And the only thing I know about him is that spends most of the day in the state of lethargy after drugs ... the euphoria passes in his room, or alternatively, in ours. .. but he never does anything that he would regret later ... "

"Anything?" I asked, with another stupid sparkle of hope.

"Anything", reaffirmed, raising her eyebrows repeatedly, making me laugh, "The thing is that Cole is extremely responsible with others and himself...he never let that the things that can transmit disease between him and the other mix, in fact, it was he who taught me to use my own syringe, and as far as I now, he has always used these little hats when has sex... "

"You and he ...?"

"Nope," she said "Our relationship is purely business and confidences... but the only thing I know about him, is that once had a wife and a daughter, and had lost them is his greatest pain and heart wound, and I found out that after being friends for two years".

Helena took her things and some others for Rubi and Gisselle, leaving the room, leaving me alone and thinking that the only thing my roommate knew about him, was the same I did... and he had told me just a few hours after we met...I wonder why.

It had been three weeks since our meeting, and I had not even seen Cole's nose peering over our room, which didn't appear for days, and therefore, Helena spent much time outside to join him. On the other hand, I had spent more time with Gisselle and Rubi: the first one helped me do some work that I took in the "discharge zone" and the last one, had told me a bit of the life of all people here...I was, slowly, adapting to living here, to the rules, conditions ... the secrets.

"And?", Gisselle asked me, knocking on the door of the small bathroom of our room, which had no more than a toilet and a sink.

"All right?" Rubi said, sounding worried.

I buttoned my pants button as walked to the sink. I used my wet hands to accommodate my hair and I massaged my belly, smiling at the mirror. I opened the door, meeting with both expectant girls, very attentive to the position of my hand on my belly, also my face of defeat.

"My oh! Are you...?", Rubi muttered in surprise as soon as she saw me, while Gisselle blinked excitedly waiting for me to say something.

"I need ... I need you to know …", I began, feigning disappointment, concern and desire to die, but that was exacly how I felt every single day, but at that time, I was incredibly happy, more than ever in a long, long time.

"What?", Rubi asked, following me to my bed, seeing that one of my hands was pressing against my belly.

"Are we going to be aunts?", Gisselle continued, looking at me with bright eyes and sweet expression.

I took my diary, I wrote a couple of things, including the date of today, and then I turned around to see them. Both looked at me without saying anything, for fear of disrupting any statement out of my mouth. I sighed wearily, I ran my hand across my forehead and I bit my tongue with emotion before moving my head from side to side and shook very, very hard.

"I think the week's delay was nothing more than neural and stress!" I shouted clapping, even laughing about that "No nephew!, No baby!"

"Are you sure?", Gisselle asked me, still hopeful.

"Absolutely sure!" I smiled in joy and emotion, "This is the first time in my life I'm so happy about having to use a tampon," I added, jumping in my place like if I were in the middle of the euphoria, so happy and calm as ever.

I felt the door open and saw that the newcomers passed along to the room. Helena looked at my face of happiness, which was dissolved to see Cole, but she managed to interpret my expression instantly.

"There isn't?", She asked me pleased and I froze when I saw him stare at me curiosly.

"No," I replied sharply, almost imperceptibly.

He always, in a way or another, made me feel tiny, almost invisible compared to his size. I stopped jumping, I remained quiet, looking nervously for the birthday cards I had to decorate in my closet. I had to distract myself with something from the anxiety of having him around again, and that all memories of the night we shared together making me feel ashamed and trapped...

More than once I had dreamed of having him, giving me all and with his scratchy and hards, hot and strong hands touching my body...I had the innocent and sweet illusion that one day, he and I could be a real couple: that one day, he would took me from the waist soft and caring, and kiss me so sweetly as if was afraid that I'd broke. He'd treate me like a porcelain doll, he'd outline my my curves with devotion and respect; bite my ear lobe gently, whispering my name in my ear to make me tremble before hiding his face between my breasts, filling me with kisses and stop between my legs. He'd separate them gently and make sure I was ready to receive him without feel any pain. When would penetrate me staring into my eyes, whispering he loves me and would stop a few seconds so I could get used to his intromission.

I wouldn't be nervous, or afraid, and he would wait until my eyes tell him that he could go on, and he'd kiss me, making a path from my my stomach to my forehead before start, slowly, with his onslaughts...in fear of hurting me , afraid to hurt me. I'd feel loved, respected...making love for the very first time. I would, finally, leave the horrible routine where I open my legs and my partner used me until gets tired and then, left me alone, dirty and empty afterwards.

And after a while sharing his soul with mine, we'd come together. Yelling our names: he would bury his face against my boling stomach and I could feel him explode inside of me without worrying, because we would love eachother so much that the fruit of our love could grow freely in my fragile body without anyone saying anything against it. It would make us happy, and I'd see it running around the park with my smile and looking at everything with Cole's eyes, and be the perfect proof of the wonderful love between its father and I.

And while our climax, he'd moan "I love you, Phoebe," and I'd respond "I love you, Cole", without cutting our visual connection. Then, he would get out with much care to mess the sheets under our bodies and would lie down next to me, embracing me. Cole would wind his arms around my waist, and I'd close my eyes to hide my face on his sweaty, naked torso, while he, with one hand, would touch me lovingly from my belly to my chest, kissing my forehead from time to time and only paying attention to my breathe, with his two hands gripping my arms around my waist.

"No," replied Rubi, causing my to stop daydreaming and I shook my head slightly to return to the cold reality.

I could see sadness mixed with disappointment in Gisselle's eyes, but fairly quiet in Helena's, and also in Cole's...I guess he understood what we were talking about.

The last two picked up some things and left my room and I could realize that when I felt hte blue eyes of Cole Turner headed toward me for the first time in twenty days, they never crossed my eyes.

My dream was falling down in my mind, and a voice in my head said that such images and the concept of love, were allowed for many women, but never to one like me.

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**Mmm...? Do I deserve a review, a critic, or something?**

_Review(s) response(s)_:

**thetempest: **Was it? really? Awww phewwww! thank you so much! I hope you liked this one also :D


	10. Three basic rules

**Okay people, this chapter is the last one of the first part. Then, I will post a second parte called "Darkness is in here".**

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**Chapter seven: Three basic rules**.

Two months I had to wait since I saw my grandmother for the last time, had passed, as the original date to leave that place...but I had not permission yet to see my family, and I'm sure I'll have to wait longer, but I'm not the only one and that's my only consolation: there are rumors of a mutiny.

The center have been quite chaotic lately, at the point that anybody was permitted to be visited. All high medical and income of new patients were postponed also. According to Helena, who has spent most of her life here, this has happened before and all has ended well, so we had no choice but wait for the resolution of the internal conflicts.

It was past twelve o'clock and they were all awake, except me.

"Hello!", Gisselle chanted when she saw Cole come to our room with obvious signs of had used drugs a few minutes ago.

He said nothing, just ignored her and walked to me. I was sleeping and awoke to the shriek of Gisselle. Cole uncovered me, taking the tip of the sheets in his hand and throwing them back quickly, unbuttoning his pants too. He lifted up my pajama shirt and removed my underwear, leaving it on my bed. Then took of his own clothes to his ankles and took me in his arms.

"Move", ordered to Helena, making her get out of her bed and stop doing a crossword with Giselle, making them leave the bed for us, while Rubi was getting ready to watch.

I laid face down on the bed of Helen, with my back against the mattress, my arms under my head so that I could continue sleeping while he used me as inflatable doll. My feet were on the floor, my legs dangling from the bed and he opened them sharply. I knew he was touching cause the groan he emited and the time he was taking before making another movement.

Gisselle and Helena continued solving their crossword, this time sitting on Rubi's bed since she was sitting next to Cole, looking intently at everything: this girl had a serious addiction to sex and a voyeuristic vein well developed.

I felt that Cole introduced one of his fingers in me to see how ready I was, because this time, he was so entretained masturbating himself that was giving me some time before getting in. I let ot a barely audible groan when I felt the second finger, and also to hear another grunt from his mouth for the pleasure his own hand was giving him. I thought that, maybe, this time he might go a little slower and would stay longer with me. I loved to spend time with Cole and being together, even though sometimes I felt that for him, I don't mean anything.

Things between us had reached a point where my body was available for Cole one hundred percent of the time, and I had his humanity when I wanted, and we had only three major unspoken rules about this:

1) Don't refuse when the other wanted, though one didn't provide anything, as I now, and continue sleeping, at least the other would get rid of the need. That was why we kept a little bottle of lubricant in the event that my body doesn't respond quickly enough to what Cole wanted, and some other drugs for him when symptoms wouldn't allow him to erect.

2) Don't ask questions: we usually didn't talk or say anything.

3) Don't look in the other eyes at any time.

I felt he stifled a groan and began to move his hand faster on his cock, while introduced his finger number three.

"Enough", I heard him mutter.

He stood up to support my legs on his shoulders, leaving my feet behind his head. He held my hips with his wet hands to get me closer to the edge of the bed and took my knees to my chest before trying to enter, without much success, but it was not my fault. Cole was euphoric, aroused, horny, and much, that much that he could barely move with coordination. I felt his tip rubbed against me, and stopped just in a hole, but not necessarily in the conventional. He rubbed a bit more with the intention of get in.

I heard a groan from Rubi's mouth, and I knew she was playing with her dildo.

"No".

I said with a serious tone, firm and strong. Then he removed his member immediately. At times like those, I thought that Cole felt something for me and that my opinion really mattered to him and cared about my feelings. He had not hesitated to stop just telling him "no" and had been enough for him that monosyllable to obey. I liked sex as much as him, and had already learned to do it orally under his wing, but anal ... it was a different thing. I was afraid, and he respected it. I knew that he wouldn't try never again, unless it was me who guide him there.

"Let me help", volunteered Rubi, anxious to see his brutal movements, and directed Cole's hard member into my vagina, "I don't have all day", she said, pushing my lover hip against mine, but he didn't let her manipulate him, and contrary to the wishes of Ruby, went slowly, very, very slow.

I felt like I was going to go crazy between slumber and pleasure, between fatigue and how full I felt, and the extreme slowness Cole moved, but his instincts betrayed him and losing his patience, began to accelerate. He was going fast, hard, tough and so strong that could felt his balls hitting my ass, his bones hit mine. Going deep, because he loved to do that.

He paused in a moment, deep and pushing forward to try to go further: he loved this position because it allowed him to get to the bottom of my vagina, wat he didn´t do very often because he knew it coming to hurt me, but in occasions like this, being so high and distracted, he forgot completely about that.

I clenched my fists in the sheets and let out a groan of discomfort mixed with sorrow, for God's sake! It was like I was splitting in two parts with that throbbing, wet, boiling erection.

"Go back to sleep," he asked with a hoarse sound, although I percibed it much more as an order than a suggestion, "unless you want to participate and change to another position".

I didn't want. I didn't want to participate. I closed my eyes and tried harder to continue sleeping. Our twisted relationship had begun the same day I discovered that I wasn't pregnant with him...

_After watching him leaving my room without any comments, or even taking a little time to look at me, I used my only way of emotional escape and ended up snorting something hard to pass the humiliation and pain of his indifference. I was so distracted and vulnerable that I didn't notice Giovani, a roommate of Cole about the same age of him. He walked and crash me to the wall, trying to have something with me, and I had not the physical strength to refuse ._

_"Watch you around has its charm," he whispered, biting my neck, "But taste you...Cole never had a whore in all these years, something especial you have to have"._

_I didn't know how everyone had heard what had happened between us...maybe listening to a our conversations, because I'm sure that Cole didn't tell anyone and neither I. And as he said that, he was putting his hands under my skirt, running my underwear to a border._

_"Docile", he whispered, and I couldn't give any instructions to my brain to make him stop._

_I moaned and my legs shivered when I felt he pinched my clit with the tip of his fingers. I was highly susceptible and sensitive to feelings, not by anything one entered into catharsis with these things. His touch felt a thousand times more detailed and defined than in a normal situation._

_"You like it", smiled, licking my cheek, trying to delve his tongue in my mouth._

_Said that, we left my outer alone to devote himself completely to the part that was wet under my joy button, and although I felt dizzy, I knew he introduced two of his: ring and index. That's what made me react after many attempts; the truth was, that I was dying to have sex, turned on and could felt his hard lower slamming my hips, but I didn't want to sleep with him, I mean, I still had a little of selfrespect and... I had no other owner than Cole, even if he never touched me again after our first night ._

_I closed my legs to hit his hands and prevent further penetrating deeper inside, but was the only slightly coordinated movement I could do._

"_You pretend I believe you don't want more?", he asked, trying to play with his fingers still trapped inside._

"_Go...", I managed to articulate with great effort and couldn't help but moan..._

_He smiled and licked his lips, and, from a second to another Giovani was gone...or well, he was there and near, but lying on the ground and being beaten by Cole. He rose, with the bloody lip and ran until nobody knew where, not daring to argue or fight back my rescatist._

_Cole stood up and looked at me quite annoyed, diying of jealousy, but his eyes never met mine. He approached me and ensured me making me hit the wall, so to make it clear that he was angry. Lifted up my blouse and bit my breasts over my bra, and talking advantage of that I was ready after Giovani's touch, unzipped his pants to replace the fingers of his roommate with something more interesting..._

_And so we ended up having sex in the middle of the corridor. I stared at the ceiling with my eyes closed and dead to pleasure, my legs tangled in his hip, with my torso attached to his. He, staring at the wall, supporting me from my butt and ramming with enough force to make it clear that he was the dominant alpha male._

_There was no need to change positions until the end, when each one left to its own room: he was strong, the wall helped sustain me and I characterized as being light and small._

_After that day, we both had at least, two condoms in our pockets; he didn't wear a belt anymore, and I, never waring anything else than a short skirt or a dress, making everything more comfortable, easier and quicker._

"I'll go slower," he said with his raspy voice, moaning, returning me to reality.

He brought his fingers to my clit only seeking encourage me to try to hurt me less and continue with its hot mission, because going slower didn't mean going less deep: under no circumstances.

He went slow, as he said, getting out completely before returning to enter until there was not a visible inch of his erection. But his patience was short-lived. He began to move back and forth frantically without reaching out before returning to attack. And hurt. Really hurt, but I also felt that the orgasm would be wonderful, so I said nothing to stop it, anyway, little by little I would get used. As always.

I flinch when I felt his rough fingers stop doing circles around my hard button and start moving in all directions irregulary; usually, when he was trying to use me to pleasure himself, never worried if I was enjoying it or not, but the only goal was that he had a good time: I was nothing byt his way to heaven. This was one of the few opportunities outside of the sessions that were both active and enjoying every move, or in which I used him to give me pleasure, which I knew I would get out of there with an orgasms premium, or rather, with an orgasm. I never got the chance to get them when he just came to penetrate, ejaculate and attack again, so I had to kill the quiet and endure a little pain if I wanted the reward.

Later on, after taking me to two orgasms that I thought would never end, he ended his sexual needs, which were not too much as it was nearly impossible for us to spend more than two days without oing anything, and I realized we had forgotten the condom this time. That did happen rarely, we were extremely responsible in our care, but sometimes, just sometimes, there was no time to remember it.

Rubi gave another moan, and I knew she had come to her own end, almost at the same time as Cole.

I opened my eyes slyly, knowing that he wasn't watching me...he never did when knew I was looking at him, because he wanted to make impossible our gazes conected. And he knew that after all the pleasure she had given despite being the sole purpose of achieving his own, it was impossible for me to continue sleeping.

Cole sighed heavily, resting his forehead against the edge of the top bunk, trying to regain some breathing. He was exhausted, had just ended and held my heels with his hands, burying his fingers around. His chest rose and fell rapidly and his sweet face was rosy for the agitation. Sweat covered his body made him look more exciting to my eyes.

Once again, he pushed forward trying to extend his pleasure another second, making me shake under his weight before my feet down from his neck. My legs were numbed hanging over the edge of Helena's bed and he got up to get my panties that were on mine. He put it on, but had no other function to end wet for my sore groin, and lied me back to my mattress.

He got his pants, fastening the button and then tucked me carelessly before leaving our room without slamming the door.

He left without saying goodbye to anyone. Without saying goodbye to me. Without looking back. Not looking at me.

I dropped a tear on my pillow, bored and tired of that kind of relationship we shared, so cold and nasty...but it functioned, and at least I knew I had him for me...in a twisted way, sick...but by my side. Though he was cold, apathetic and insensitive, he was always there: protective, cherish, always for me. He was the only person who respected me and accepted me for who I really am...I couldn't afford to lose him.

The next morning I went to bathe before going to the court to play some basketball...I really was delighted with that sport, but knowing I wouldn't yield after the tremendous good fuck in the morning. I could barely move my legs and felt my vagina was burning, but I don't regret anything... I really had a good time, despite feeling infinitely empty and alone as soon as Cole had retired.

I lay down shampoo and massaged my head, thinking that the warm water and bubbles gently plunged me into a kind of natural catharsis, putting me in a good mood for awhile.

My cabin door opened, and I didn't need to open my eyes to know who it was, as I felt the hands of my well-known lover around my waist. I turned to face him, and I knew he was watching my naked body, as if he never had before, but it was quite possible for him and me, we were always something new since always he had something we were always deeply druggedand when one of us wasn't, the another one was. And while the one who was under the influence of psychotropic drugs was responsible for penetrating or penetrate, or play the way that wanted, the other continued on its ways: either by pasting little cards birthday while was pinned from below, or reading a book as someone jumped over...

But the best was when we were both looking forward...our imagination to invent many ways was great, and we never said no to any proposal or idea that could offer us more, because we were that: only sex twenty-four hours a day, seven days week, and drugs in the same way.

I was still with eyes closed, feeling him push me against the cold, wet shower wall, busy massaging my head and rinse my hair.

He rubbed my nipples with his fingers, pinching them without using force. Then ran down my back and belly with his hands a few times up and down and side to side before bending. Caught my waist forward to keep his eyes dry and don't let water from the shower wet them and opened my legs, then spread my lips with his hands, patting as I sighed. When I couldn't feel his hand in contact with my skin, I knew he had left without saying anything.

Without saying goodbye.

Upon reaching my room, I saw him sitting on the floor talking to Rubi, even though, it was possible to find a time that he was available to speak, but those moments were never mine. He was waiting for me, I could see it in his expression as I entered the room, and the way he took my hand showing me he had a syringe ready.

I crouched beside him, allowing to insert the needle, and watching him pursing his lips staring me with some concern in his eyes, one that I couldn't understand. I felt that, when he started injecting the solution, seemed to take less than usual to empty...

The same thing happened during the next two months, in that whenever it was he who drugged me, the doses were clearly smaller than I used to consume, and also less than last time...also he didn't give me heroin, but something else I didn't know what it was. As days passed, he tried to avod me being drugged, for following me everywhere and increasingly void my access to them, giving me sex in exchange to distract me.

I didn't understand what was happening, but never asked anything, because it was one of our three basic rules: Do not ask.

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**I know you didn't like Phoebe and Cole relationship, but I hope you got he cares about her and is worried, so is trying to make her stop doing drugs...I'll post one more chapter, the epilogue, where I'm going to give you the link of the second part and explain you a couple of things :D**

_Review(s) response(s)_:

**Pholefan: **Well, actually, I think I had replied your review on what I wrote in bolds lol


	11. Epilogue: two options

**Okay. Let me explain you. The original ending of this fic is SAD, HORRIBLE, TRAGIC. And I know you won't like lol si I decided to write another one also. Actually, they're not "endigs" but like a second part with a few chapters each. I'm changing this fic status to "complete" and writing FIRST, the sad/dark ending...and as I soon as I finish it, I'm writing the "happy ending".**

**Here is the link for the first one, named "Locked in darkness" (.net/s/6676024/1/) and the other one, in hiatus until finish L.I.D, "There's light out there" (.net/s/6676020/1/).**

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_This notebook I brought here in my little bag the first day I came, has a divisor to use in three subjects for school...people like my sisters, usually divides it in chemistry, physics and biology...or also spanish, english and french, but I use the first part to write my diary, and the other two as options. Yes, sometimes we can sit and imagine how could things go "if...", so, in the middle section of this notebook will be named "Darkness is in here", and the third one "Light is out there"._

_You'll see both possible options going trough my mind. Weird, I know, but we're talking abou me...do not expect anything convencional. Nor now, nor yesterday, nor never._

_Sincerily, Freebie._


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